焦虑症杀人犯法吗:英汉对照故事集

Keep the Change

One sweltering day, I was scooping ice cream into cones and told my four children they could "buy" a cone from me for a hug. Almost immediately, the kids lined up to make their purchases. The three youngest each gave me a quick hug, grabbed their cones and raced back outside. But when my teen-age son at the end of the line finally got his turn to "buy" his ice cream, he gave me two hugs. "Keep the changes," he said with a smile.

不用找了

有一天天气闷热，我将冰淇淋舀进锥筒，告诉我的四个小孩，他们可以从我这里用拥抱“购买”一筒。于是，孩子们马上排起了队来购买。较小的三个孩子每人很快的抱了我一下，抓过冰淇淋筒就跑到外面去了。最后轮到排在队尾十年的大儿子来“买”冰淇淋时，他拥抱了我二下。“不用找了，”他笑着说。

Things Have Been Okay

A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned."

"You talked! You talked!" Shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taken this long?"

"Well, up till now," Said the boy, "things have been okay."

一切都正常

一对年轻夫妇有个儿子，已经四岁了，还没有开口说话，他们对此深感焦虑。他们带他去找专家诊治，但医生们总觉得他没有毛病。后来有一天早上吃早餐时，那孩子突然开口了：“妈妈，面包烤焦了。”

“你说话了!你说话了!”他母亲叫了起来。“我太高兴了!但为什么花了这么长的时间呢？”

“哦，在这之前，”那男孩说，“一切都很正常。”

Bedtime Prayers

Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."

Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"

And Julie replied, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"

睡前祷告词

朱莉叶在做睡前祷告。“上帝，求求你，”她说，“让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。”

妈妈打断她的话说：“朱莉叶，为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢？”

朱莉叶回答道：“因为我在地理考卷上是这样写的。”

That's Why

Jimmy started painting when he was three years old, and when he was five, he was already very good at it. He painted many beautiful and interesting pictures, and people paid a lot of money for them. They said, "This boy's going to be famous when he's little older, and then we're going to sell these pictures for a lot more money."

Jimmy's pictures were different from other people's because he never painted on all of the paper. He painted on half of it, and the other half was always empty.

"That's very clever," everyone said, "Nobody else does that!"

One day somebody bought one of Jimmy's pictures and then said to him, "Please tell me this, Jimmy. Why do you paint on the bottom half of your pictures, but not on the top half?"

"Because I'm small," Jimmy said, "and my brushes don't reach very high."

原来如此

吉米三岁开始画画，五岁时已经画得很好了。他画了很多美丽而有趣的画，人们出高价购买。他们说，“这个孩子长大一点肯定会出名，我们可以靠这些画大赚一笔。”

吉米的画与众不同。因为他从来不在整张纸上作画。他只画一半的纸，而另一半他总空着。

“构思多么巧妙啊!”大家都说，“从来没有人这么做过。”

有一天，一个人买了吉米的画，然后问他：“请告诉我，吉米，你为什么总是在纸的下半部分画画，而不是在纸的上半部分？”

吉米说，“因为我个头小，够不着上面。”

I'm Glad

A Sunday-school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. "Now, children," she said, "has anyone of you ever made someone else glad?"

"Please, teacher," said a small boy, "I've make someone glad yesterday."

Well done. Who was that!"

"My granny."

"Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad."

"Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, ad stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, 'Granny, I'm going home.' and she said, 'Well, I'm glad'!"

我很高兴

一个主日学校的教师正在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“听着，孩子们，”她说，“你们当中有谁曾让别人高兴过吗？”

“我，教师，”一个小男孩说，“昨天我就使别人高兴过。”

“做得好，是谁呢？”

“我奶奶。”

“好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的？”

“是这样的，教师。昨天我去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我对她说：‘奶奶，我要回

家了。’她说：‘啊，我很高兴。’”

A Problem in Arithmetic

Bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily.

One day on his way to school Bill passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the window which said, "Apple-Six for five cents." An idea came to Bill and he went into the store.

"How much are the apples?" he asked the store.

"Six for five cents."

"But I don't want six apples."

"How many apples do you want?"

"It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic."

"What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic?" asked the man.

"Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth two cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay you."

Bill picked out a good apple, began to eat it, and walked happily out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word.

一个数学问题

比尔是一个好学生，也是个聪明的孩子。他喜欢学数学，课本上所有的数学问题他都能不费劲地解答。

有一天，在上学路上，比尔经过一家水果店。该店窗户上有个招牌上写着：“苹果--五美分六个。”比尔脑筋一转，进了店门。

“苹果怎么卖？”

“五美分六个。”

“但我不想要六个。”

“你想要几个？”

“这不是我想要几个的问题。这是个数学问题。”

“数学问题？你说这话是什么意思？”

“你看，如果六个苹果五美分，那么五个苹果四美分，四个苹果三美分，三个苹果二美分，二个苹果一美分，一个苹果就不要钱。我只要一个苹果，如果一个苹果一分钱也不要的话，那我也就没必要给你钱了。”

比尔拣了一个好苹果，开始吃了起来，然后兴高采烈地迈出了店门。那个售货员吃惊地望着这个小男孩，一句话也说不出来。

Lucky Mother

A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughter her tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.

Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.

Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Aren't you pleased that you've come to live with us now?"

幸运的母亲

一位年轻的母亲认为，世界上还有许多受饥饿的人，浪费食物真不应该。有天晚上，在安排幼小的女儿睡觉之前，她给女儿喂夜宵。她先给她一片新鲜的黑面包和黄油，但孩子说她不喜欢这样吃。她还要一些果酱涂在面包上。

母亲看了女儿几秒钟，随即说道，“露茜，当我象你一样小的时候，总是吃面包加黄油，或者面包加果酱，从来没有面包既加黄油又加果酱。”

露茜看了母亲一会儿，眼中露出怜悯的神情，然后她柔声说：“您现在能跟我们生活在一起难道不感到高兴吗？”

A Baby Sister

Nurse: Don't you like your new baby sister, Johnnie?

Johnnie: She's all right, but I wish she had been a boy. Willie Smith had got a new sister, and now he'll think I'm trying to copy him.

小妹妹

保育员：约翰尼，你难道不喜欢你的小妹妹吗？

约翰尼：那倒不是。她要是个男孩就好了。威利有了一个新生的小妹妹，现在他该认为我又在学他的样子了。

Imitation

A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. "Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."

Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.

"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."

模 仿

一个男孩放学回家时，觉得肚子痛。“来，坐下，吃点点心，”妈妈说，“你肚子痛是因为肚子是空的。吃点东西就会好的。”

一会儿，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，说是头痛。

“你头痛是因为你的脑袋是空的，”他那聪明的儿子说，“里面装点东西，就会好的。”

Persistance

Returning from a golf outing, my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. "Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?"

"Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win," my husband hedged. "We just play to have fun."

Undaunted, Sare said, "Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?"

缠住不放

丈夫打完高尔夫球回来，我们四岁的女儿莎拉在门口迎了上去。“爸爸，谁赢了高尔夫球比赛，是你还是理查叔叔？”

“我和理查叔叔打高尔夫球不是为赢，”丈夫推诿说。“我们打球只是为了好玩而已。”

莎拉毫不气馁，又问：“那么，爸爸，谁觉得更好玩呢？”

I Taught the Teacher

Mother asked her little boy, "Darling, what did the teacher teach you today?"

"Nothing, Mum," answered the son proudly, "instead, she asked me how much one plus two was, and I told her three."

我教老师

母亲问她年幼的儿子：“宝贝，今天老师教了你些什么？”

儿子骄傲地说：“什么都没教，妈妈。她反倒问我一加二等于几，我告诉她等于三。”

A Small Boy and a Donkey

A small boy leading a donkey passed by an Army camp. A couple of soldiers wanted to have some fun with the lad. "What are you holding onto your brother so tight for, sonny?" asked one of them.

"So he won't join the army," the youngster replied without blinking an eye.

小男孩与驴子

一个小男孩牵着头驴子穿过部队营房。两名士兵想跟小家伙开个玩笑：“小孩，你把你哥哥牵得这么紧干什么？”

“这样，他就不会去参军了。”小家伙眼都不眨地回答道。

Good News and Bad News

After picking up for four-year-old girl on her first day of nursery school, my husband left the following message on my voice mail at work: "Hi, honey. The good news is that Amanda got through her first day at school. The bad news is the teacher wants to meet with us."

"The good news is that the parents of the boy she bit aren't suing. The bad news is that he had to go to the doctor because of it and we'll be paying the bill."

"The good news is that once we see her teacher, the school will accept Amanda back. The bad news is that she decided to drop out. Have a good day."

好消息和坏消息>

我们四岁的女儿上托儿所的第一天，丈夫去接她之后，在我工作的电话上留言道：“嗨，亲爱的。好消息是阿曼达度过了她在学校的第一天。坏消息是老师想见我们。”

“好消息是被她咬了一口的那个男孩的父母没有提出起诉，坏消息是他因此得去治疗伤口，而我们得付医疗费。”

“好消息是只要我们去见她的老师，学校将把阿曼达收回去。坏消息是她决定退学。祝你一天愉快。”

Anything

When I worked at a small neighborhood grocery, children who could barely reach the counter would often bring crumpled shopping lists from their parents. One day two very rambunctious kids walked in fighting, and continued to bicker over what candy to buy and who would get to carry the change. They stopped arguing long enough to hand me a note from home. It said: "EXTRA STRENGTH ANYTHING."

什么都行

我在附近的一家杂货店工作时，免费够得着柜台的孩子们经常拿着他们父母写的揉得皱巴巴的购物单前来买东西。一天，两个非常蛮横的小孩扭打着走了进来。进来后还在为买哪种糖果，谁拿找回的零钱而吵个不停。他们争吵了很久才停止下来，并递给我一张家里写的纸条。上面写着：“除了力气，什么都行。”

Personal Hero

Our granddaughter's second-grade class was asked to write about their personal heroes. Her father was flattered to find out that she had chosen him. "Why did you pick me?" he asked.

"Because I couldn't spell Arnold Schwarzenegger," she said.

心目中的英雄

我们的孙女儿读二年级，老师要求班上的同学写他们心目中的英雄。她的爸爸发现她选择了他，真是受宠若惊。“你为什么选我呢？”他问。

“因为我不会拼阿诺得.施瓦辛格(Arnold Schwarzenegger)，“她说。

Treat

As a rookie in the Atlantic City, N.J., Police department, I was assigned a beat on the boardwalk. Hardly a day went by when I didn't come upon a child who had become separated from his parents.

One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost. I tried to gain his confidence - I took him to the nearest ice-cream stand and bought him a cone. Time passed with no sign of the boy's parents, so the next step was to call for a patrol car to take him to headquarters. I told the small fry to stay put while I went to the call box. When I returned, he was nowhere in sight.

Within minutes, the car arrived, and one of the patrolmen asked me where the child was. I felt stupid; it's humiliating to say you've lost a lost child. But I told the officers what had happened and gave a description of the boy. "What did you treat him?" asked one of the men.

"An ice-cream cone. Why?"

"Because," answered the officer, "that kid lives only a few blocks from here, and you've about the fifth rookie he's conned for a treat!"

款 待

我是新泽西州大西洋城警察局的一名新警察。我被指派巡逻一条海滨的路线，几乎每天都能碰上与父母走散的孩子。

一天下午，我发现一个小孩独自站在那里，显然是迷了路。我先是设法取得他的信任－我带他到附近的冰淇淋摊给他买了一个蛋筒。过了很长时间，也没看见他父母的影子，所以我就准备打电话叫辆巡逻车将他送回总部去。我告诉他站在那里别动，我去电话亭打电话。当我回来时，却发现他不知道到哪儿去了。

警车很快来了。一名警察问我小孩在哪里。我感觉自己傻极了，说自己弄丢了一个迷路的小孩，该多丢人啊！但我还是告诉了警察们所发生的一切，并描述了一下小孩的长相。“你请他吃了什么？”一名警察问。

“一个冰淇淋蛋筒。怎么啦？”

“因为，”那名警察说，“那个小孩住的地方离这儿只隔几个街区。而你大概是新警察中帮他买东西吃的第五个傻瓜蛋！”

Girl's Name

When our daughter was born, we named her Myles, after my beloved late father, despite family warning that the name was too masculine.

Years later, when i felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, "Your name is very special. I named you after my own father because I loved him very much. I know he would be proud of you."

Myles thought carefully about this and  then said, "I know all that, Mom. But I don't understand why my grandfather had a girl's name

女孩的名字

女儿出生时，我们给她取名叫迈尔斯，和我深爱的业已过世的父亲同一个名字，不顾家人提醒这个名字太男性化了。

几年以后，我觉得迈尔斯已经长大，能够懂事了。我对她解释说：“你的名字很特别。我给你取了一个和我爸爸一样 的名字，因为我非常爱他。我相信他会为你而深感自豪的。”

迈尔斯很仔细地想了一下，然后说道：“这些我都懂，妈妈。可是我不知道外公为什么会有一个女孩子的名字。”

I Don't Feel Like Getting into an Argument

"Gerald," asked the teacher, "what is the shape of the earth?"

"It's round," answered Gerald.

"How do you know it's round?" continued the teacher.

"All right, it's square then," he replied, "I really don't feel like getting into an argument about it!"

我不想争论

“杰拉尔德，”老师问：“地球是什么形状？”

“是圆形的，”杰拉尔德回答道。

“你怎么知道是圆的？”老师又问。

“好吧，那它是方的，”学生回答说：“我可不想与你争论这件事情。”

Does Anyone Want a Nice Clean Plate?

Peter was ten years old. One day his friend Paul said to him, "I'm going to have a birthday party on Saturday, Peter. Can you come?"

Peter asked his mother, and she said, "Yes, you can go." She phoned Paul's mother to tell her.

Before Peter went to the party on Saturday afternoon, his mother said to him, "Now, Peter, don't forget to be polite. Don't ask for food. Wait until someone gives it to you."

"All right, Mom," Peter answered, and he went to Paul's house on his bicycle.

There were a lot of children at the party. They played together for an hour, and then Paul's mother gave them some food; but she forgot to give Peter any. He waited politely for a few minutes, and then he held his plate up in the air and said loudly, "Does anyone want a nice clean plate?"

有人要干净的盘子吗？

彼德十岁了。一天他的朋友保罗对他说：“彼德，星期六我要举办生日宴会，你能来吗？”

彼德问母亲，母亲说：“没问题，你去吧。”她还打电话通知了保罗的母亲。

星期六下午，彼德去赴宴。临行前，母亲对他说：“彼德，别忘了礼貌。别主动要吃的，等别人拿给你。”

“好的，妈妈。”彼德回答。然后他骑着自行车去了保罗的家。

宴会上孩子很多，他们在一起玩了一个钟头。这里保罗的母亲给他们分发食品。但她忘了给彼德。彼德等了几分钟，然后把盘子举在空中，大声说：“有人要干净的盘子吗？”

4-4=?

One day, the teacher inquired Peter: "How much is four minus four?" Peter was tongue-tied.

the teacher got angry and said: "What a fool! You see, if I put four coins in your pocket, but there is a hole in your pocket and all of them leak out, now what is left in your pocket?"

"The hole," replied Peter.

四减四等于几？

一天，都是问彼德：“四减四等于几？”彼德张口结舌答不上来。

老师生气地说：“真笨！你想，如果我放四个硬币在你的口袋里，但你的口袋里有个窟窿，结果四个硬币都漏掉了。那么，你的口袋里还有什么？”

“窟窿，”彼德答道。

Father's Things

When Tom Howard was seventeen years old he was as tall as his father, so he began to borrow Mr. Howard's clothes when he wanted to go out with his friends in the evening.

Mr. Howard did not like this, and he always got very angry when he found his son wearing any of his things.

One evening when Tom came downstairs to go out, his father stopped him in the hall. He looked at Tom's clothes very carefully.

Then he said angrily, "Isn't that one of my ties, Tom?"

"Yes, Father, it is," answered Tom.

"And that shirt's mine too."

"Yes, that's yours too," answered Tom.

"And you're wearing my belt!" said Mr. Howard.

"Yes, I am, Father," answered Tom. "You don't want your trousers to fall down, do you?"

父亲的东西

汤姆.霍德华十七岁的时候，长得和父亲一样高了，于是当他晚上和朋友一起出去时，就开始借父亲的衣服穿。

霍德华先生可不喜欢这样，当他发现他的儿子穿他的衣服时，总是非常生气。

一天晚上，汤姆下楼准备出去，父亲在门厅里拦住了他。他细细打量着汤姆的穿着。

然后他气呼呼地说：“汤姆，那不是我的一条领带吗？”

汤姆回答说：“是的，父亲，是你的领带。”

“还有那衬衫也是我的。”

“是的，衬衫也是你的。”汤姆回答说。

“还有呢，你连皮带也用我的。”霍德华先生说。

“是的，父亲，”汤姆回答说，“你不愿意让你的裤子掉下来吧？”

Facts of Life

I have always tried to be open and honest with my children whenever they came to me with questions, but six-year-old Peter caught me off guard one evening when he bounced in at dinner time and asked, "Mom, when you get married, does that make you pregnant?"

"No," I answered, "Getting married is not what makes you pregnant."

"Well," he persisted, "how do you get pregnant then?"

Not wishing to get into such a serious discourse just before dinner, I answered, "Peter, it's a sort of a long story."

Within an impish look on his little face, he cocked his head and replied, "You don't know, do you?"

生命知识

每当孩子们问我问题时，我总是试图坦诚相告。可是，有天晚上，我那六岁的儿子彼得把我难住了。他在晚饭时冲回家来，突然问道：“妈，结婚会使人怀孕吗？”

“不，”我说：“结婚不一定会使人怀孕。”

“那么，”他追问道：“你是怎么怀孕的？”

我不想在吃饭前讨论如此严肃的话题，于是答道：“彼得，这事儿一时半会也说不清楚。”

彼得的小脸上一副调皮模样，他不歪着头说：“你也不知道，是吗？”

On Miracle

In Sunday school, the minister was trying to illustrate the word miracle. "Boys and girls," he said, "suppose I stood on the roof of a ten-story building, lost my balance and fell off. Then all of a sudden in midair, a whirlwind swept me up and brought me safely to the ground. Now what word would you use to describe this?"

After a long silence a boy raised his hand and said, "Luck?"

"True, true," replied the minister. "It could be luck - but that's not the word I wanted. I'll repeat the story. There I am on top of the ten-story building again, and I fall. A whirlwind catches me in midair and places me safely on the ground. Think now - what word would describe the situation?"

"Accident," cried out one girl.

"No, no," answered the minister. "Listen carefully for the third time. I'm on the same building; I fall and am swept to safety by a sudden whirlwind. What word could account for my safely reaching the ground?"

The boys and girls shouted in unison: "Practice!"

论奇迹

在主日学校里，牧师正举例说明“奇迹”一词的意义。“孩子们，”他说：“假如我站在一座十层高的楼顶上，失去平衡掉了下来。在跌落到半空中时，突然刮来一阵旋风，把我举起来，使我安全着陆。想想看，该用什么词来描绘这件事？”

很长时间没有回答。后来一个男孩举手说：“运气”

“好吧，好吧，”牧师回答说：“可以说是运气，不过那不是我想要的词。我再讲一遍这个故事。我还是在一座十层高的楼顶上，从上面摔下来。一阵旋风在半空中把我托住，使我安全返回地面。好好想一下，该用什么词来描绘这一情景呢？”

“意外，”有个女孩大声说。

“不对，不对，”牧师说：“你们仔细听，再听一遍。我还是在那座楼顶上，摔下来时被一阵突然刮来的旋风托住，转危为安。用什么词来解释我安全返回地面这事？”

孩子们齐声叫道：“反复练习！”

A Telephone Call

Mrs. Jones was waiting for an important telephone call, but she had no bread in the house, so she left the baby at home and said to his five-year-old brother, "I'm going to the shops, Jimmy, and I will be back in a few minutes."

While she was out, the telephone ran and Jimmy answered. "Hello," said a man, "is your mother there?"

"No," answered Jimmy.

"Well, when she comes back, say to her, "Mr. Baker telephoned."

"What?"

"Mr. Baker. Write it down. B-A-K-E-R."

"How do you make a B?"

"How do I make...? Listen, little boy, is there anybody else with you? Any brothers or sisters?"

"My brother Billy is here."

"Good, I want to talk to him, please."

"All right." Jimmy took the telephone to the baby's bed and gave it to Billy. When their mother came back, she asked "Did anyone telephone?"

"Yes," said Jimmy, "a man. But he only wanted to talk to Billy."

一个电话

琼斯太太正在等一个重要的电话，但家里没有面包了，所以她把婴儿留在家里，对那五岁的哥哥说：“吉米，我去趟商店，马上就回来。”

她出去以后，电话铃响了，吉米接了电话：“喂，”一个男人说：“你母亲在家吗？”

“不在，”吉米回答。

“噢，等你妈妈回来，告诉她贝克先生来过电话。”

“什么？”

“贝克先生。写下来，B-A-K-E-R”

“B怎么写？”

“怎么写...听着，孩子，你身边还有别人吗？兄弟或姐妹？”

“我的兄弟比利在这里。”

“好，请叫他接电话。”

“可以。”吉米把电话拿到婴儿床边，递给比利。母亲回来问道：“刚才有人来过电话了吗？”

“有，”吉米说：“是个男人，但他只想和比利讲话。”

I'm Trying to Stop It

"Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?"

"No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it."

把它堵在里面

“孩子，你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了吗？”

“没有，老师。可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进，一个耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。”

I Didn't Notice It

Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?

Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn't notice the other.

我没有看到它

母亲：约翰尼，今天早上我在食品橱里放了两块蛋糕，现在只剩下一块了，你说是怎么回事？

约翰尼：哦，我想是因为里面太黑，我没有看见另一块。

Two Pounds of Plums

Mother: I sent my little boy for two pounds of plums and you gave him a pound and a half.

Shopkeeper: My scales are all right, madam. Have you weighted your little boy?

两磅李子

母亲：我让我的小儿子来买二磅李子，可你只给了他一磅半。

店主：我的秤准确无误，太太。可是你称过你的小儿子了吗？

The Toast Is Burned

A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned."

"You talked! You talked!" shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taken this long?"

"Well, up till now," said the boy, "things have been okay."

面包烤焦了

一对年轻夫妇有个儿子，已经四岁了，还没有开口说过话，他们对此深感忧虑。可带他去看专家，可医生觉得他没有什么毛病。后来，有一天早上吃早餐时，那孩子突然开口了：“妈妈，面包烤焦了。”

“你说话了，你说话了！”母亲叫了起来。“我太高兴了！但为什么花了这么长时间呢？”

“哦，在此之前，”那男孩说，“一切都很正常。”

Ah, Kids

Like a good father, I took my 4-year old daughter to a so-called "rug concert" at her music school one Saturday morning, called that because you sit on the rug in a group and sing songs. We sat beside a young, attractive mother and her son, and I struck up a friendly conversation with the mother during the concert. I thought I was in trouble when, as soon as we got home, my daughter burst through the front door and announced to my wife that "Daddy met a Mommy."

哎，孩子

作为一个好父亲，我在星期六的早晨带四岁的女儿到她的学校参加一个所谓的“地毯音乐会”。叫这么个名字是因为我们分成小组坐在地毯上然后唱歌。我坐在一个年轻、有魅力的母亲和她儿子身边。在音乐会中我和这个母亲开始了友好的谈话。当我们回家后，我认为我有麻烦了。女儿推开前门，对我妻子宣布：“爸爸遇到了一个妈妈。”

Goldfish

Little Amy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Amy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Amy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Amy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

金鱼

小艾米在她家的花园里往一个坑里填土，她的邻居从花园的篱笆外面看到了。对这个面色沮丧小女孩的行动感兴趣，他礼貌地问道：“艾米，你在这儿做什么？”

“我的金鱼死了，”艾米头也未抬，泪眼汪汪地说：“我刚把他埋葬了。”

他的邻居关心地问：“对金鱼来说，这个洞是不是太大了？”

艾米拍了拍最后一撮土，然后回答道：“因为金鱼在你的猫肚子里面。”

Actual Age

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?

"Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me...how did you guess?"

"Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."

实际年龄

老师注意到约翰尼走神很久了，她决定吸引他的注意力。“约翰尼，”她说，“如果地球的直径是25,000英哩，鸡蛋每打买60美分，那么我多大？”

“三十四，”约翰尼毫不犹豫地回答。

老师答道，“嗯，那与我的实际年龄差不多。告诉我...你是怎么猜到的？”

“噢，这没什么。”约翰尼说，“我的大姐是17岁，而她有一半疯狂。”

I Wasn't Listening

Mother asked her little daughter who was reading a book. "What are you reading, dear?"

"I don't know." the little girl answered.

"You don't know? But you were reading aloud, so you must know."

"I was reading aloud, mummy, but i wasn't listening," explained the child.

我没有在听

女儿在大声读书，妈妈问：“亲爱的，你在读什么？”

“我不知道，”小女孩回答说。

“你不知道？你不是在朗读吗，你应该知道的，”妈妈说。

女儿解释说，“我在朗读，可我没有在听啊!”

Synonym=Bad Language

One day a ten-year-old child asked his mother, "Mom, what is a synonym?"

"What? You even don't know what a synonym is? How foolish you are. When I describe you as foolish, I mean you're silly, stupid. Now you know what a synonym is ?"

"Yes, a synonym is using bad language." The child concluded.

同义词=骂人

一天， 一个10岁的孩子问母亲："妈，什么是同义词？"

"你说什么？竟然连同义词都不懂！真是个笨蛋。我说你是个笨蛋，就是说你是个傻瓜，是个蠢货。你现在明白同义词的意思了吗？"

"明白了。同义词就是骂人。"

drink like a fish

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, "Why are you staring at me.?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it!"

牛饮

某人举办一场宴会招待他的同事，包括他的老板。

吃饭的时候，男主人的3岁小女儿目不转睛地盯着对面她父亲的老板看，甚至没有吃东西。

老板先检查了领事，然后抹抹脸上看有没有食物，再整整头发。那小女孩依然盯着他看。他尽力不去注意这事，但这太难了。他忍不住问小女孩：“你为什么老盯着我看？”

桌子上的每个人都注意到了这事，安静地盼着她的回答。

小女孩说：“爸爸说你象牛饮，我可不想错过看到！”

Three Reasons

Teacher: Stone, give me three reasons why you know the Earth to be round.

Stone: Ma says so, Pa says so, and you say so!

三条理由

老师：斯通，说出三条理由来证明地球是圆的。

斯通：妈妈是这么说的，爸爸是这么说的，你也是这么说的。

the chemical formula for water

Teacher: What the chemical formula for water is the ?

Blonde: "HIJKLMNO"!!

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Blonde: Yesterday you said its H to O!

水的分子式

老师：水的分子式是什么？

花瓶：HIJKLMNO！！

老师：你在说什么？

花瓶：昨天你不是说H to O吗？

the lowest grade

"Professor, I did the best I could on this test. I really don't think I deserve a zero."

"Neither do I. But that's the lowest grade I'm allowed to give."

最低分

学生：“教授先生，我这次考试已经竭尽全力了。我真的觉得我不应该得零蛋。”

老师：“我也是。但是这已经是我能给的最低分了！”

Where is the father?

Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

父亲在哪儿？

兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。

“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”

“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”

哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”

Prepare Yourself

A story around campus has it that a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop."

Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself."

自己做好准备

校园里流传着这样的故事：一个学生一次给父母拍了一份电报，上面写着：“妈妈－我所有功课都不及格，被学校开除。让爸爸做好准备。”

两天以后，他收到了回电：“爸爸已准备好。你自己做好准备吧!”

Plagiarism

A friend of mine who teaches European history at Washington University in St. Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper. He summoned the student to his office. "This isn't your work." he said. "Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia.

"You can't prove that!" the student sputtered.

My friend smiled and show him the paper. Circled in red was: "Also see article on communism."

抄 袭

我有个朋友在圣路易斯的华盛顿大学教欧洲历史，他说有一次他发现了一篇抄袭的学期论文。他把那个学生叫到了办公室。“这不是你写的，”他说，“有人帮你从百科全书上原封不动地打印了下来。”

“你没有证据。”那学生气急败坏地说。

我朋友笑了，他把论文拿给他看。用红笔圈出来的是：“也可参阅共产主义一文。”

Part-time Job

When my son was a high-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles.

"How was your first day?" I asked.

"It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls."

Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?"

"Do you prefer paper or plastic?"

业余工作

我儿子在一所中学读二年级时，在一家超级市场找到了一份包装商品的业余工作。他满面笑容地回到了家。

“第一天感觉如何？”我问。

|“好极了，爸爸。”他答道，“我跟许多漂亮的女孩子讲了话。”

由于斯蒂芬不善言谈，我问道：“你跟他们说了些什么？”

“你是喜欢纸包装还是塑料包装？”

Virtue

Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.

When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue."

美 德

获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。

最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。“你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德。”

Difference

"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."

区 别

“研究生班和本科生很容易就能区别开来，”在洛杉矶加利福利亚州立大学给我们研究生上工程学课的老师如此说。“我说‘下午好’，本科生们回答说‘下午好’。研究生们则把我说的话记在笔记本上。”

Class and Ass

Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today."

A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c".

Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l".

班和笨驴

格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不见他的班级。”

一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”(lass：姑娘)。

后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”(ass：笨驴)。

Keys? Kiss?

A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me the keys." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss. Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated. "Give me the keys." The Italian shrugged his shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks.

钥匙还是接吻

我的一位朋友在给一个成人学生班级上英语课。他们都是新近来美国生活的。在一张桌子上摆了许多日常用品之后，他请全班同学给他挑出尺子，书本，钢笔等。课进行得井然有序，学生们对自己所做的似乎很感兴趣，也很认真。后来轮到一名来自意大利的学生，我的朋友说：“给我钥匙。”那人看起来非常吃惊，也有点手足无措。看到这种情况，我的朋友想是他没有听清楚，于是又重复了一遍：“给我钥匙。”那位意大利学生耸了耸肩。接着，他伸出胳膊搂住老师的脖子在双颊上亲了两下。

Flunking Math

My son, who made the dean's list in his freshman year at Ball State University in Muncie, Ind., called home a few weeks after starting his sophomore year as a psychology student.

"Mom," he said excitedly, "I have found the answer to surviving college! It isn't the grades that are so important, but the quality of what is learned and how it is applied to daily life. I'm lucky to be having these wonderful experiences!"

"And just what does this mean?" I asked.

"I'm flunking math," he replied.

数学没及格

我儿子是印第安那市曼西尔波州立大学的学生，大学一年级就上了系主任的名单。第二年他学心理学，刚几个星期他就给家里打了个电话。

“妈妈，”他激动地说：“我找到了如何在大学里生存下去的答案!重要的不是分数，而是具备将学到的知识应用于日常生活的素质。我很幸运地有了这种奇妙的经历。”

“你到底是什么意思？”我问道。

“我数学没及格。”他回答说。

Promotion

Our son, Chris, is a premed student at Georgia Southern University in Statesboro. He is fortunate to have a job in the research lab, where they are studying Lyme disease. Recently he called home and told us that he had received a promotion. "Great!" I said. "You can always use more money."

There was a slight pause before Chris responded, "Well, I didn't exactly get more money. But they did give me more keys."

提升

我们的儿子克里斯是位于斯泰兹波罗的南佐治亚医科大学的预科生。他很幸运地在研究淋巴疾病的科研室找到了一份工作。最近，他给家里打电话，告诉我们他得到了提升。“太好了，”我说！“你可以多花一些钱了。”

克里斯停顿了一会儿，才回答说：“嗯，准确地说我倒没有多拿钱。但是他们确实多给了我几把钥匙。”

Who Is This

My two sister and I were all away at various colleges at the same time. One day, after facing one crisis too many and tired of being treated like just another undergraduate, I phoned home for some consolation and understanding of my unique problems.

When my dad answered, I immediately launched into my litany of frustrations with college life. As I paused to catch my breath, he said, "O.K., honey...now, fist of all, who is this?"

你是哪一个？

我和两个妹妹同时离开家去不同的大学读书。经历了太多的危机，也厌倦了受到与其他大学生相同的对待之后，有一天我给家里打了个电话，就我独有的问题寻求安慰和理解。

爸爸接起电话后，我立刻开始历数我大学生活中的挫折。当我停下来歇口气时，爸爸说：“好啦，亲爱的...现在，首先告诉我，你是哪一个？”

One Point

Hanging in the hallway at Whites High School in Wabash, Ind., and the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year －"62-63", "63-64", "64-65", etc.

One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"

一分之差

位于印第安那州瓦巴西的怀兹中学，其门厅里悬挂着过去四十年间样篮球队的照片。每幅照片前排中间的队员举着一个篮球，上面标明年份－“62-63”，“63-64”，“64-65”等等。

一天，我看到一个新生很困惑地看着照片。他朝我转过身来，说道：“多奇怪呀，这些队都是以一分之差输掉的！"

New Year Resolution

Hoping to excite student interest in our reading center, I asked each teacher to write a New Year's resolution on a special form and send it to me. After I posted the resolutions on the bulletin board in the reading center, one young teacher stopped by, looked at them for a few minutes, then left abruptly. Passing two teachers on their way in, she stormed, "My resolution isn't posted - and mine was one of the first ones in!" I couldn't help but overhear, and the tone of her voice sent me flying to my desk in reach of a misplaced resolution. Looking rapidly through stacks of papers, I uncovered hers. It read, "I resolve not to let little things upset me. "

新年决心书

为了激励同学们对我们阅览中心的兴趣，我请每位老师在一张特制的表格上写一篇新年决心书交给我。我将决心书张贴在阅览中心的布告牌上之后，一位年轻老师停下来看了几分钟，便抽身走开了。她越过两位老师闯了进来，大发雷霆道：“我的决心书竟然没有贴出来－而我的是第一批交上来的。”我在旁边听到了，看她气势汹汹的样子，我吓得赶紧跑回办公室去找那份放错了地方的决心书，飞快浏览了几叠纸之后，我打开了她的那一份，上面写着：我决心不再为一些小事而烦恼。

Ground Rules

One of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau was known of his droll sense of humor. Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class, he said, "Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring, so I don't mind if you look at your watches during class. I do, however, object to your pounding them on the desk to make sure they're still running."

基本原则

位于吉拉多海角的密苏里东南州立大学有一位我非常喜欢的老师，他奇特的幽默感很是出名。在对一个新生班级讲解他的基本原则时，他说：“我知道我的讲课可能经常会枯燥乏味，了无生趣，所以如果你们在上课时看表我并不介意。不过我坚决反对你们将表在课桌上猛敲看它们是不是还在走。”

Warning

Several weeks after our son began his freshman year at Alma College in Michigan, my husband and I decided to visit him. I was careful to call him a few days in advance to "warn" him that we would be coming. When we arrived at the dorm, however, I was taken aback by the disarray of his room. "Forgot we were coming, didn't you?" I teased.

"Are you kidding?" he replied, "Why else would I have bothered to clean?"

提醒

我们的儿子是密歇根州阿尔马大学的新生，开学几个星期之后，我和丈夫决定去看看他。我特意提前给他打电话，“提醒”他我们将光临。但是当我们来到宿舍时，他的房间凌乱不堪，我非常吃惊。“忘了我们要来，是吧？”我取笑他。

“开什么玩笑？“，他回答说，“要不我凭什么费神打扫？”

Real Play

When I taught the introduction-to-theater course at North Dakota State University, I required my students to attend the university theater's current production and write a critique. After viewing a particularly fine performance, one student wrote: "The play was so real, I thought I was actually sitting on my couch at home, watching it on television."

逼真的戏剧

我在北达科他州立大学教戏剧入门课时，要求学生们去看学校剧团当时的演出，并写一篇评论。看了一场极为精彩的演出后，一名学生写道：“这部戏剧是如此逼真，以致于我认为我自己是坐在家里的沙发上，从电视上看到的。”

He Was Only Wrong by Two

Jack Hawkins was the football coach at an American college, and he was always trying to find good players, but they weren't always smart enough to be accepted by the college.

One day the coach brought an excellent young player to the dean of the college and asked that the student be allowed to enter without an examination. "Well," the dean said after some persuasion, "I'd better ask him a few questions first."

Then he turned to the student and asked him some very easy questions, but the student didn't know any of the answers.

At last the dean said, "Well, what's five times seven?"

The student thought for a long time and then answered, "Thirty-six."

The dean threw up his hands and looked at the coach in despair, but the coach said earnestly, "Oh, please let him in, sir! He was only wrong by two."

他的得数只比正确答案多二

杰克霍金斯是美国一所学院的橄榄球队教练，他竭力想物色好球员。但是好球员学业不行，院方不愿录取。

有一天，教练带着一位优秀的年轻球员去见院长，希望院方同意他免试入学。经过一番劝说后院长说：“那我最好先问问他几个问题。”

然后他转向学生，问了几个非常简单的问题。可是那个学生一个也答不上来。

最后院长说：“那么，五乘七得多少？”

学生想了很久，然后回答说：“三十六。”

院长摊开双手失望地看了看教练。可是教练认真地说，“噢，录取他吧，先生。他的答案只比正确答案多二。”

Napoleon Was Ill

Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university. However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.

"He's a good boy," said Jack's father, "and if you let him pass this time, I'm sure he'll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well."

"No, no, that's quite impossible," replied the professor immediately. "Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn't know!"

"Please, sir, give him another chance," said Jack's father. "You see, I'm afraid we don't take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill."

拿破仑病了

杰克到一所大学去学历史。第一学期结束时，历史课教授没让他及格。学校让他退学。然而，杰克的父亲决定去见教授，强烈要求让杰克继续来年的学业。

“他是个好孩子，”杰克的父亲说：“您要是让他这次及格，我相信他明年会有很大进步，学期结束时，他一定会考好的。”

“不，不，那不可能，”教授马上回答。“你知道吗？上个月我问他拿破仑什么时候死的，他都不知道。”

“先生，请再给他一次机会吧。”杰克的父亲说：“你不知道，恐怕是因为我们家没有订报纸。我们家的人连拿破仑病了都不知道。”

Tragedy

George W. Bush visits an elementary school and the 4th grade class is in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So George W. asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stands up and says, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over; that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush, "that would be an accident."

A girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved; that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the President. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room and asks, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raises his hand and in a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asks the President.

"Well," Johnny says, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a Great Loss."

灾难

乔治布什到一所小学参观,四年级的孩子们正在讨论一些单词及其含义.老师问总统是否愿意副食孩子们一起讨论"灾难"的含义时,乔治布什要求学生们给出灾难的具体例子.

一个男孩站起来说,"如果住在我隔壁的最好的朋友在街上玩,一辆轿车开过来并从他身上辗过去,那 将是一场灾难."

"不,"布什说,"那只是一场意外."

一个女孩举起她的手说,"如果一辆载着50个学生的校车翻下悬崖,车上所有的同学都丧命,那将是一场灾难."

"恐怕不是,"总统解释说,"那是我们所说的重大损失."

教室里一片安静,没有一个孩子再发言.布什总统扫视了一遍教室,然后说,"这里没有人能再给我一个例子,说明什么是灾难吗?"

最后,在教室的后面,约翰尼举起了他的手,用平静的口气说,"如果载着布什先生和布什太太的空军一号被导弹击落并炸成碎片,那将是一场灾难."

"对了!你能告诉我为什么那是灾难吗?"总统问.

"哦,"约翰尼说,"因为那将不是意外,也绝对不是重大损失."

What My Daddy Does

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a Doctor!"

Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a Professor!"

Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"

The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening.

When she told him what Little Johnny had said, he told her, "Actually,.... I'm an attorney, but how I'm I supposed to explain that to a seven year old???"

父亲的职业

小学老师正在问孩子们他们双亲的谋生之道。

提米站起来说，“我母亲是名医生。”

莎拉站起来说，“我父亲是位教授。”

小约翰尼说起来说，“我爹地在妓院演奏钢琴。”

都是不敢相信她所听到的话，于是她决定晚上给小约翰尼的爸爸打电话问个清楚。

等她告诉小约翰尼的父亲后，约翰尼的父亲对她说，“事实上，......我是一名律师，但我怎么能向一个七岁的小孩解释清楚？”

My First and My Last

When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks.

George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go."

They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air.

When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane."

Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?"

"Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark.

第一次与最后一次

乔治35岁时买了架小型飞机，并开始学习驾驶。不久，他就能很娴熟地驾机做各种各样的特技飞行了。

乔治有个朋友名叫马克。一天，乔治主动邀请马克乘他的飞机上天兜一圈。马克心想，“我乘大客机飞行过好几次，还从来没有乘过小飞机，我不妨试一试。”

升空后，乔治飞了有半个小时，在空中做了各种各样的飞行特技。

后来他们着陆了。马克很高兴能够安全返回地面。他用颤抖的声音对他的朋友说：“乔治，非常感谢你让我乘小飞机做了两次飞行。”

乔治非常吃惊地问：“两次飞行？”

“是的，我的第一次和最后一次。”马克答道。

New Discovery

A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator.

Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I should have brought my wife!"

新发现

一个乡下人第一次到大城市游逛。他走进一座大楼，看见一个岁数很大的矮胖女人迈进一个小房间。房间的门随后关上，有几个灯在闪亮。一会儿，门开了，电梯里走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。

乡下人惊奇地眨着眼睛，慢吞吞地说：“我应该把我的老婆带来!”

Chaude and Cold

A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."

"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

热与冷

蒙特利尔自助餐厅的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的龙头，结果被水烫伤了。“这太可恶了，”他抱怨道，“标着C的龙头流出的是开水。”

“可是，先生，C代表Chaude－法语里代表‘热’。如果您居住在蒙特利尔的话就得知道这一点。”

“等等，”那位顾客咆哮一声，“另外一个龙头同样标的是C。”

“当然，”经理说道：“它代表冷。毕竟，蒙特利尔是个双语城市。”

A Soldier's Brilliant Idea

Mr. Robinson had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air. He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat. He found all of them had already had been taken except for one. There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards it.

When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice on it. It was written in ink and said, "This seat is preserved for proper load balance, thank you." Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window, to sit in.

Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane. The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in this way succeededin having the company of the girl during the whole trip.

士兵的高招

由于生意方面的事，罗宾逊先生得出趟门。因为有点紧急，他决定坐飞机。乘机旅行时，他喜欢靠窗坐，故而一登机，他就寻找一个靠窗的座位。他发现只有一个靠窗的座位还空着。在那空座位边坐着一名士兵。令罗宾逊先生纳闷的是，这位士兵没有坐靠窗的位置。罗宾逊先生不管那些，他马上径直朝那个空座位走去。

然而，等到了那儿，他看见座位上有则启事，是用钢笔写的：“为保持装载平衡，特预设该位置，谢谢合作。”罗宾逊先生还从来没有在飞机上见过如此不同寻常的启事。不过，他想飞机上一定装了什么特别重的物品，于是他找了个不靠窗的位置。

又有两三个乘客试图坐在那个士兵旁的靠窗座位上，他们看到那则启事就走开了。当快满座时，一位非常美丽的姑娘匆匆走进机舱。一直在注意进舱旅客的那个士兵赶紧拿掉他旁边空座位上的启事。士兵用这种办法，成功地找到了一位姑娘一路作伴。

A Nail Or A Fly?

An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.

So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.

Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!

钉子还是苍蝇？

一位视力正在衰退的老绅士住进了一家旅馆的客房。他双手各拿一瓶酒。在墙上有只苍蝇，他误以为是枚钉子。他把两只瓶子朝上一挂，瓶子掉下来摔碎了，酒洒了一地。一个女服务员发现发生的事情以后，对他深表同情，决定帮他个忙。

于是，第二天早上他到楼顶花园散步时，她把一枚钉子钉在了苍蝇停过的地方。

这里，老人回到了房里。倒洒的酒味让他想起了那件事。他抬头往墙上一看，苍蝇又停在了那儿!他轻手轻脚地走近，使尽全力拍了一掌。听到一声大叫，好心的女服务员冲进房来。让她大为吃惊的是，可怜的老头正坐在地板上，牙关紧咬，右手滴血不止。

First Flight

Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.

His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.

After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?"

"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground."

第一次坐飞机

约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机，他读过许多关于飞行事故的报道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀请他乘自己的小飞机飞行时，约翰逊先生非常担心，不敢接受。不过，由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的，约翰逊先生终于被说服了，登上了飞机。

他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行。约翰逊先生听说飞行中最危险的是起飞与降落，所以他吓得紧闭双眼。

过了一两分钟，他睁开双眼朝窗外望去，接着对朋友说道：“看下面那些人，他们看起来就象蚂蚁一样小，是不是？”

“那些就是蚂蚁，”他的朋友答道，“我们还在地面上。”

I'll See to the Rest

A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.

"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"

"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.

"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."

其余的事由我负责

一位车上的列车员刚发出信号让火车启动，这时他看见一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站台上一节打开的车厢门旁边，跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑娘在说话。

“快点，小姐!”他喊道：“请把门关上。”

“噢，我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。

“请把门关上好了，”列车员说：“其余的事由我负责。”

Twin Lobsters

Once I had achieved success as an entertainer, I wanted to impress my Mom. I brought her to Las Vegas for dinner at Caesar's Palace. Among other items, the menu listed "Twin Lobsters - $45."

"Why don't you order that, Mom?" I asked. "I know how much you like lobster."

She looked at me with the eyes of a skeptic and shook her head. "How do they know they're really twins?"

孪生龙虾

我当演员取得成功后，想在妈妈面前炫耀一番。于是，我带着她到拉斯维加斯的凯撒宫去吃饭。在菜谱中有道菜是“孪生龙虾--45美元。”

“你为什么不点那个呢，妈？”我问道：“我知道你很喜欢吃龙虾了。”

她满眼狐疑地看着我，然后摇了摇头。“他们怎么知道它们确实是孪生的呢？”

A Trip to Disney

On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I adn our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.

As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Good-by, Mickey."

Our daughter waved and said, "Good-by, Minnie."

My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Good-by, Money."

迪斯尼之族

弗罗里达州的迪斯尼乐园是一个迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及两个孩子前往旅游，我们全身心地沉醉在它的各种奇观之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我们要回家了。

当我们驱车离开时，儿子挥手说：“再见，美奇。”

女儿挥着手说，“再见，美妮。”

丈夫也有气无力地挥了挥手，说道：“再见，美元。”

Millionaire

CEO: "My wife made a millionaire out of me."

Assistant: "What were you before?"

CEO: "a multimillionaire."

百万富翁

主管人：我妻子使我成为百万富翁。

助　手：以前你是什么？

主管人：千万富翁。

A Fine Match

One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.

Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

势均力敌

有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的厨房地板上窜过。她很害怕老鼠，所以她冲出屋子，搭上了公共汽车直奔商店。在那儿，她买了一只老鼠夹。店主告诉她：“放点奶酪在里面，很快你就会逮住那只老鼠的。”

这位女士带着鼠夹回到家里，但她没有在碗橱里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因为已经很晚了。于是，她就从一份杂志中剪下一幅奶酪的图片放进了夹子。

令人称奇的是，这画有奶酪的图片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，这位女士下楼到厨房时，发现鼠夹里奶酪图片旁有一张画有老鼠的图片!

A Family Rule

Mr. and Mrs. Jones very seldom go out in the evening, but last saturday, Mrs. Jones said to her husband, "There is a good film at the cinema tonight. Can we go and see it?"

Mr. Jones was quite happy about it, so they went, and both of them enjoyed the film.

They came out of the cinema at 11 o'clock, got into their car and began driving home. It was quite dark. Then Mrs. Jones said, "Look, Bill. A woman's running along the road very fast, and a man's running after her. Can you see them?"

Mr. Jones said, "Yes, I can." He drove the car slowly near the woman and said to her, "Can we help you?"

"No, thank you," the woman said, but she did not stop running. "My husband and I always run home after the cinema, and the last one washes the dishes at home!"

家规

琼斯夫妇晚上很少出门，但上星期六，琼斯太太对丈夫说：“电影院今晚有场好电影，我们去看好吗？”

琼斯先生很乐意，于是他们就去了。两个人都喜欢那部电影。

晚上十一点，他们从电影院出来，钻进汽车，开始驾车回家。天很黑。这时，琼斯太太说：“看，比尔。一个女人在沿街狂奔，一个男人在后猛追不舍。你看到了吗？”

琼斯先生说：“是的，看到了。”他慢慢把车开近那女人，说道：“你需要帮忙吗？”

“不，谢谢，”女人答道，但她没有放慢速度，“我丈夫跟我在看完电影后，经常跑步回家，后到家的洗碗涮碟。”

The Same Service

A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor.

"When I was first married, I was very happy. I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop, and my little dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring me my slippers. Now everything's changed. When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me."

"I don't know what you're complaining about," said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service."

同样的服务

有位结婚十年的男人，正向婚姻顾问请教。

“新婚时我非常幸福。在市区的商店里累了一天，回到家里，小狗围着我又跑又叫，妻子忙给我拿来拖鞋。现在一切都变了。小狗给我叼来拖鞋，妻子对我又喊又叫。”

“我不知道你有什么可抱怨的，”顾问说，“你得到的服务还是同样的嘛。”

An Old Couple's Quarrel

A couple of codgers got into a quarrel and came before the local magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame of mind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court."

"I'm willing," said the other.

"I'll law you to the Supreme Court."

"I'll be there."

"And I'll law the hell!"

"My attorney will be there," was the calm reply.

老夫妻吵架

一对性情乖僻的老夫妻发生了争吵，一直闹到地方法官那里。败诉的一方以一种临战的姿态冲着对方嚷道：“我要到巡回法庭去告你。”

“愿意奉陪。”另一个说。

“我要到最高法院去告你。”

“我也陪你。”

“我还要到地狱去告你。”

“我的代理人会奉陪的。”对方平静的说。

I Don't Know Her

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.

"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

我还不认识她呢

一对夫妇在公园里散步，发现一对年轻的男女坐在一条长凳上，动情地接吻。

“你为什么不那么做呢？”妻子说。

“亲爱的，”丈夫回答说，“我还不认识那个女子呢!”

The Day Off From Work

My husband was enjoying the day off from work and watched me scurry about the house. I picked up his dirty clothes, put away his work shoes, carried out his popcorn bowl from the previous night's football viewing, washed the breakfast dishes, wiped the coffee he'd spilled and ironed his shirts. Seeing a thoughtful look on his lace, I wondered if he was beginning to realize just how much unnecessary work he created for me. Maybe he would offer to help. "A penny for your thoughts," I said.

"I was thinking," he replied, "that one of the things I like best about you is how you always find ways to keep yourself busy."

丈夫的休息日

丈夫正在过休息日，他看着我在屋子里来回奔忙。我捡起他在脏衣服，将他工作时穿的鞋子放到一边，拿走前一天晚上他看橄榄球时放在旁边放爆米花的碗，洗早餐的盘子，擦去他溅出的咖啡，熨他的衬衣。看到他脸上若有所思的神情，我想他是不是开始意识到他给我添了许多不必要的麻烦，也许他还会帮帮忙呢！“给你一分钱，告诉我你在想什么？”

“我在想，”他回答道，“你总能找到办法使自己忙个不停。这一点我很喜欢。”

Put That Ring Back On

During World War II, I found that my wedding ring was being destroyed through the use of my GI trenching shovel, so I took the ring off and placed it on my dog-tag chain.

After being promoted from corporal to staff sergeant, I sent my wife a photo of myself wearing the new stripes. Instead of congratulations the letter I got back contained just five words: "PUT THAT RING BACK ON!"

把戒指戴回去

二战期间，我发现我的结婚戒指在使用战壕铲时给弄坏了，于是我将戒指取下来挂在身份牌的链子上。

从下士提升为上士后，我给妻子寄了一张我戴着新肩章的照片。我收到的回信中没有祝贺之辞，只写了六个大字：“把戒指戴回去！”

Present for Girlfriend

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Shall I engrave her name on it?" the jeweler asked.

The customer thought for a moment, and then said, "No-engrave it 'To my one and only love'. That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again."

送给女友的礼物

在一家珠宝店里，一位年轻人买了一个贵重的小金盒作为送给女友的礼物。“要我把她的名字刻在上面吗？”珠宝商问道。

那名顾客想了一会儿，然后说道：“不－－在上面刻‘给我唯一的爱’。这样，如果我们闹崩了，我还可以再用到它。”

Wood Fire

One woman lectured her best friend on the nature of the male animal. "Husbands are like wood fires; they go out if left unattened."

"Does that mean," asked the other, "that they make ashes of themselves?"

森林之火

一名妇女向她最好的朋友大谈雄性动物的特性：“丈夫们就像是森林里的火，一不注意，他们就会燃烧起来。”

“那是不是意味着，”另一个问道，“他们将自己烧成灰烬？”

Gardening Gloves

For months I hinted that I needed a new wedding ring, since I had developed an allergy to gold. On my birthday, while I was gardening, my husband asked me for gift suggestions. I held my hands up and said, "Well, you'll notice that my hands are bare."

Later that evening I opened my present with enthusiasm. "Happy birthday," he said, as I unwrapped a new pair of gardening gloves.

园艺手套

几个月以来，我一直在向丈夫暗示我需要一枚新的结婚戒指，因为我对黄金有点过敏。生日那天，我正在干园艺活时，丈夫问我想要什么礼物。我举起双手说：“嗯，你肯定看到了，我的两手都是光光的。”

那天晚上，我满怀热情地拆开了丈夫送的礼物。“生日快乐！”他说。我打开一看：里面包着一双园艺手套。

S.O.B.

My father, who was 14 years old than my mother, had been working on his will. At a family dinner he told us that he had provided well for Mother, but the family home would go to us five children if she remarried.

"I don't want another S.O.B. toasting his shins around my fireplace," he explained.

With a sly grin, Mother cracked, "What makes you think I'd marry another S.O.B?"

狗娘养的

我爸比我妈大14岁，最近一直在写遗嘱。一次家宴上，他告诉我们说他为母亲以后的生活作好了安排，但如果她改嫁的话，家里的房子将归我们五个孩子所有。

“我可不愿意另外哪个狗娘养的在我的火炉旁烤他的狗腿，”他解释道。

妈妈狡猾地咧了咧嘴，讥诮道：“你怎么认为我会再嫁给一个狗娘养的？”

All Right

Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. "Uh-oh," I said, realizing my mistake. "I just make an illegal turn."

"I guess it's all right." my daughter replied, "The police car behind us did the same thing."

没关系

我赶着开车将11岁的女儿送到学校去，在红灯处右拐了，而那是不允许的(译注:在一些国家如英国,其交通规则是车辆左行的,与我国相反)。“啊噢，”意识到犯了错误，我说。“我刚才拐弯是违章的。”

“我想那没关系的，”女儿回答说：“我们后面的警车也同样拐了弯。”

Respectable Boyfriend

Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?"

"Of cause he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."

体面的男朋友

母亲问女儿：“你的新男朋友是怎样一个人？他很体面吗？”

“当然很体面，妈妈。他很节俭，不抽烟不喝酒，有一个贤慧的妻子和三个有教养的孩子。”

A Way to Make Money

Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress drycleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."

"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"

生财有道

母亲决定尽可能地削减家务开支，于是她自己动手洗了一件衣服，而没有送到洗衣店里去干洗。母亲对自己的节约之道非常得意，对父亲吹嘘道：“弗雷德，你想想，我们现在又增加了五块钱的积蓄，因为我自己动手洗了这件衣服。”

“好哇，”我父亲立即答道。“那就再洗一遍吧

Difficult Husband

Mrs. Jones was still cleaning the house when her husband came back from work. She was wearing dirty, old clothes and no stockings, her hair was not tidy, she had dust on her face, and she looked dirty and tired. Her husband looked at her and said, "Is this what I come home to after a hard day's work?"

Mrs. Jones's neighbour, Mrs. Smith, was there. When she heard Mr. Jones's words, she quickly said goodbye and ran back to her house. Then she washed, brushed and combed her hair carefully, put on her best dress and her prettiest stockings, painted her face, and waited for her husband to come home.

When he arrived, he was hot and tired. He walked slowly into the house, saw his wife and stopped. Then he shouted angrily, "And where are you going this evening?"

丈夫难伺候

琼斯夫人的丈夫下班回到家的时候，她仍在打扫房间。她穿着一身又脏又旧的衣服，没穿长统袜，披头散发，满脸灰尘，显得又脏又累。丈夫看到她这副模样，说道：“难道我辛苦工作了一天，回到家就是为了看你这副模样吗？”

琼斯夫人的邻居史密斯夫人当时也在场。听了琼斯先生这番话，她赶紧告辞，跑回家去。她又洗又刷，仔细地梳理好头发，穿上最漂亮的衣服和最美丽的长统袜，以脸上擦了些粉，然后静候丈夫回来。

丈夫到家时又热又累。他慢慢踱进房间，看见妻子这副打扮，停下了脚步，怒不可遏地大叫：“你今晚打算上哪儿去？”

Don't Worry about Being Late

Mr. and Mrs. Wilson and their children were going to begin their vacation one day, and they had to be at the airport at eleven-forty AM. "It'll take us half an hour to get there in the taxi," Mr. Wilson said, "so we all have to be ready by eleven o'clock. Nobody should be late."

At ten minutes to eleven they were still all running around doing things, except Mrs. Wilson, who was sitting quietly on a chair in the garden enjoying the sun.

Her husband and children were very surprised that she wasn't in a hurry too, until the taxi arrived and Mrs. Wilson said to them, "Well, I knew that this was going to be happen, so before I went to bed last night, I moved all our clocks and watches ahead twenty minutes. So now we can go to the airport quietly without worring about being late."

不用担心迟到

一天，威尔逊夫妇和他们的孩子们准备去度假。他们必须在上午十一点四十分到达飞机场。威尔逊先生说，“坐出租车到那里要半个小时，所以我们大家必须在十一点钟前准备好。任何人都不能耽搁了。”

到了十一点差十分，大家都在跑来跑去，忙这忙那的，只有威尔逊夫人安静地坐在椅子上晒太阳。

她丈夫和孩子们都很奇怪，为什么她不象他们那样匆匆忙忙的。直到出租车来了，威尔逊太太才对他们说：“是这样的，我就知道会发生这种事，所以，昨晚睡觉前，我就把我们所有的时钟和手表都拨快了二十分钟。所以，现在我们可以悠哉地飞到机场去，而不用担心迟到了。”

Beyond Tolerance

The doorbell rang and Mrs. Carson opened the front door. Her heart sank when she saw Mrs. Burbidge. Whenever Mrs. Burbidge called, she stayed for hours and hours.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Carson," Mrs. Burbidge said, "I was just passing, and I thought I'd drop in to say hello."

"How very thoughtful of you," Mrs. Carson replied. "Do come in."

Just as Mrs. Carson had feared, Mrs. Burbidge stayed for several hours. It was nearly six o'clock, and Mr. Carson would be home from work soon. He couldn't stand Mrs. Burbidge. So Mrs. Carson kept wondering how she could persuade Mrs. Burbidge to leave without offending her.

"Has your husband come home from work yet?" Mrs. Carson asked.

"Oh, yes," Mrs. Burbidge answered. "He always gets home about five o'clock."

"It's nearly six o'clock. Won't he be getting worried about you?" Mrs. Carson said.

"I thought of that," Mrs. Burbidge said, "but it's so pleasant here. We've had such a lovely afternoon. You know what I'll do? I'll ring up my husband and tell him to come here, too. May I use your phone please?"

难以忍受

门铃响了，卡森夫人打开前门。当她看到波比吉太太时心里一沉。波比吉太太每次都在呆上十个八个小时的。

“下午好，卡森夫人。”波比吉太太招呼道，“我路过这儿，想起进来问声好。”

“多亏您有这份心思，”卡森夫人答道，“快请进。”

正如卡森夫人所担心的，波比吉太太呆了整整一个下午。已经快六点了，卡森先生要下班了。他可忍受不了波比吉太太，所以卡森夫人一直在琢磨如何体面而不伤和气地下逐客令。

“您先生下班回家了吗？”卡森夫人问道。

“噢，是的，”波比吉太太说，“他经常是五点钟左右回家。”

“现在快六点了，他是不是正在为您担心呢？”卡森夫人暗示。

“我也想到了，”波比吉太太道，“但呆在这儿真让人愉快。我们度过了一个美好的下午。您猜我想什么来着？我想打电话叫他也到这儿来。我可以用一下电话吗？”

General Patton

Our daughter was being interviewed for a supervisory position. When asked if she had ever worked in such a capacity before, she answered, "No, but at home I have four boys and they call me General Patton."

She got the job.

巴顿将军

我们的女儿想谋求一个主管职务，正在接受面试。对方问她以前是否干过这种工作时，她回答：“没有，可我家有四个男孩，他们都叫我巴顿将军。”

她得到了这份工作。

Taming of the Shrew

A man was talking to his friend about how he hated to go home after a late card game.

"You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife," he said. "First, I kill the engine a block from the house and coast into garage. Then I open the door slowly. Next I take off my shoes and tiptoe into our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always wakes up and gives me a hell."

"I make a big racket when I go home," his friend said.

"You do?"

"Sure. I honk the hone, slam the door, turn on all the lights, stomp up the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss, 'Hi, Alice,' I say, 'How about a little smooch for your old man?'"

"And what does she say?" his friend asked him in disbelief.

"She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends she's asleep."

驯悍有方

一们男士正在向他的朋友讲述他打牌打晚了是如何害怕回家。

“你肯定不能相信因为怕吵醒妻子，我采取了什么办法。”他说，“首先，在离家还有一个街区的时候，我就把发动机熄了火，靠惯性将车开进车库。然后我慢慢地打开房门，紧接着我脱掉鞋子，轻手轻脚地走进卧室。可就在我要溜进被窝时，她总会醒来，把我骂个狗血淋头。”

“我回家时该吵就吵，该闹就闹。”他的朋友说。

“是吗？”

“当然啦。我把喇叭按得嘟嘟响，把门关得砰砰响，把灯全部打开，咚咚地走进卧室，再重重地吻妻子一下。‘喂，爱丽丝，’我说，‘亲亲你老公，怎么样？’”

“她怎么说？”他的朋友不相信地问道。

“她什么也不说，”他的伙伴说：“她总是假装睡着了。”

The Bait

An Aberdonian and his wife went to Rothesay for a holiday and went for a sail. Unfortunately the wife fell overboard and was drowned. The Aberdonian asked the pier-master to let him know if her body was found. Two weeks later he received a wire saying: "Body recovered yesterday covered with crabs. Send instructions." The aberdonian sent a wire back saying, "Sell crabs, send on money; reset bait."

诱饵

一位阿波多尼亚人和妻子去罗期塞度假。他们乘风出海，不幸的是妻子掉入海中淹死了。这位阿波多尼亚人叫防波坦的负责人在妻子的尸体找到后通知他一声。二个星期后，他接到了一份电传：“尸体已于昨日找到，上边爬满了螃蟹。请指示。”阿波多尼亚人发回了一份电传：“卖掉螃蟹，收入汇过来；诱饵再扔回海里。”

A Forgetful Husband

My husband's uncle thought he had conquered the problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, privided him with the relevant dates and gave instructions to send flowers along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new disply of attention and all went well until ond day, many bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

健忘的丈夫

我丈夫的叔叔想他已解决了试图记住妻子的生日及他们的结婚纪念日的难题。他在一家花店开了一个帐户，告诉店主相关的日期并指示他送花时附上写着“爱你的丈夫”的纸片。

他妻子对这种关怀的新表现感到十分欣喜。他的这一办法颇为有效。送了许多束鲜花后，有一天他回到家，吻了妻子，然后漫不经心地问道：“好漂亮的鲜花，亲爱的，你从哪儿弄来的？”

My Husband Will Be Home Soon

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard.

"Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...

"Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

我丈夫马上就要回来了

一个已婚男人去拜访他的“女朋友”时，女朋友要求他剃去胡须。

“噢，詹姆斯，我喜欢你的胡子，但我更喜欢看到你英俊的面孔。”

詹姆斯回答说，“我的妻子喜欢我的胡子，所以我不可能剃掉它，否则她会杀了我的。”

“噢，我求你了，”女朋友用一种低沉的、性感的声音又一次说道。

“可是，我不能，”他回答道，“我的妻子喜欢这胡子。”

在女朋友再三请求下，他终于屈服同意了。夜里，在妻子熟睡时，詹姆斯爬上了床。

妻子朦朦胧胧地摸了摸他的脸说道，“噢，迈克尔，你不应该在这里，我的丈夫很快就要回来了。”

Man And Woman(1)

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

女人和男人(1)

在鸡尾酒会上,一个女人对另一个女人说,"你的结婚戒指是不是戴错了手指?"那女人回答说,"是的,我戴错了手指,因为我嫁错了男人."

争吵过后,妻子对丈夫说,"你知道,我是个笨蛋才会嫁给你."丈夫回答,"是的,亲爱的,但当时我在热恋中没有注意."

当一个男人偷了你的妻子,最好的报仇方法就是让他拥有她.

我有18个月没有同妻子说话了－我不想打断她.

女朋友说我应该更深情些,于是我找了两个女朋友.

一人男子说他的信用卡被盗,但他决定不去报告.因为小偷花的钱比他妻子花的钱还少.

女人永远不能与男人平等,除非她能够凸着头,腆着啤酒肚在大街上行走,并仍然认为自己很漂亮.

A Dying Man's Favorite Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

临死者最爱吃的小甜饼

　　一位濒临死亡的老人正躺在他的床上，承受着死亡的煎熬。突然一股香味顺着楼下飘了上来，那正是他最喜欢的巧克力小薄饼的味道。他用尽吃奶的力气挣扎着从床上爬了起来，倚着墙，慢慢地走出了卧室，并且用最后的力量用双手抓住扶手走下了楼梯。老人靠在门框上，嘴里喘着气，眼睛凝神着厨房。

　　如果不是因为承受着临死的痛苦，老人会认为自己到了天堂。那里，在厨房铺着报纸的桌子上，确切地说有数百个他最喜欢吃的巧克力小薄饼。真在天堂吗？还是他那离婚妻子的最后一次英雄般的爱心显示，以便让他开心地离开这个世界？

　　集中最后的力量，老人跪着双膝挣扎着移向桌子。他口干舌燥，嘴巴张开。他感受到了美妙的甜饼味道，仿佛要将他带回人世。他的一只年迈干瘪的手颤颤悠悠地伸向桌子边缘的一只小甜饼。突然，他妻子扔过一把铲子，砸在他的手上。

　　“离远点”，他妻子说。“这是为你的葬礼准备的。”

The Evangelist

A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick.

"If only you would pray with Him, place your right hand in the air, and place your left hand on the afflicted area, the Almighty Lord will heal you."

So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch and his wife says "Gee honey he said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

福音传道士

一对中年夫妻正在看电视。突然，一个电视传道士出现了，并许诺帮观众治好病。

“让我们跟主一起祈祷，把你的右手举在空中，左手放在有病的地方，全能的主就会治好你的病。”

于是，男子把他的右手举在空中，左手放在了胯档上。这时，妻子开口了：“嗨，亲爱的，他说能治好病，而不是让它举起来。”

God And Eve In The Garden Of Eden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...

"You know, woman to woman."

上帝和夏娃在伊甸园

一天，夏娃在伊甸园里叫出了上帝。

“主人，我有一个问题。”

“什么问题，夏娃？”

“主人，我知道是你创造了我，并为我提供了美丽的花园和这园里所有奇妙的动物和欢闹有趣的蛇。但我并不幸福。”

从空中传来了声音：“为什么呢，夏娃？”

“主啊，我非常孤独。而且我非常讨厌苹果。”

“好吧，夏娃。既然这样，我有个办法。我会为你创造一个男人。”

“主人，什么是男人？”

“这个男人将是有缺陷的，有很多坏脾气。他会撒谎，欺骗，自负。总之，他会让你难受。但是，他会更大，更快，喜欢狩猎和杀生。他被唤醒后看起来一团糕，但既然你在抱怨，我会按照某种方式来创造他以满足你身体上的需要。他会幼稚，会为孩子气的游戏如打斗和踢球而欢呼。他不会很聪明，因此他需要你的忠告才能把问题想清楚。”

“听起来不错。”夏娃说话的同时，眉毛夸张地抬了起来。“男人在哪里呢，主人？”

“嗯...但有一个条件。”

“什么条件，主人？”

“正如我说过的，他会骄傲，自大，自我崇拜...因此，你必须首先让他相信是我创造了他。记住，这是我们的小小秘密...”

“是的，女人和女人之间的秘密。”

Be Careful What You Wish For

A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.

During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

慎重许愿

一对结婚25周年的夫妻在庆祝他们六十岁的生日。他们恰好在同一天出生。

庆祝活动中，一位仙女出现了。她说，由于他们是已经结婚25年的恩爱夫妻，因此她给许给这对夫妻每个人一个愿望。

妻子想周游世界。仙女招了招手。“呯！”的一声，她的手中出现了一张票。

接下来该丈夫许愿了。他犹豫片刻，害羞地说，“那我想要一位比我年轻30岁的女人。”

仙女拾起了魔术棒。“呯！”，他变成了90岁。