功放与音箱配接技术:你怕女人吗？

不列颠图书馆的入口处悬挂着居里夫人的名言：“这世上没有需要害怕的东西，只有需要理解的东西。”正是出于这样的无畏精神，她颠覆了长久以来建立的物理理论与化学理论，在男人主宰的学术界两度荣获诺贝尔奖。然而也是出于同样的无畏精神，她衣袋中随身携带试管，里面装着放射性同位素，它的真实力量全然被她领会吸收了！

It’s an oft-feted irony that Marie Curie died of an illness contracted from exposure to radiation. Perhaps what we can learn from this is that we should fear things until we understand them. If that’s the case, we can know there is one thing men will always be scared of. The one thing no amount of learning will let us fully understand: women.

居里夫人因受辐射病逝具有反讽意味。也许我们可以从中学到一点：在对事物真正了解之前，应该心存恐惧。照这样说，我们知道有一样东西是男人一直恐惧的，对它即使下再多的苦功领悟，也是领悟不尽的。这样东西就是“女人”。1

But let’s be realists; most of us being slightly scared of women is entirely acceptable. Namely because they can break your heart, and there is no pain worse. Every man is afraid of handing over their number and being rejected, or looking like an idiot on a first date by turning up in an ill-advised waistcoat/top-hat combo that the shop assistant said looked terrific. Fear affects how we act around women, how we dress around them, even how we eat around them. I once ate sushi on a date as I was too afraid to refute the restaurant choice. And I’m allergic to seafood.

不过还是让我们把心态放现实一点。女人可以伤男人的心，世上没有比这更痛苦的事情了，所以患轻度恐女症的人群中有大多数是完全可以接受的。每个男人都害怕邀请被拒，或者第一次约会时模样像傻瓜，以马甲配大礼帽示人，那是你听信了店员的糟糕建议，被告知这样看上去棒极了。在女性周围，惧怕心理影响着我们的行为方式，穿衣方式，甚至吃东西的方式。我对海鲜过敏，有次约会我还吃寿司，就是因为太害怕了，不敢对餐馆的选择提出异议。3

But it doesn’t mean that women want to be scary, or that they don’t harbour similar fears about men. Relationships consist of two complex beings trying not to drive each other insane while attempting alien, high-risk tasks together, such as getting married and having children. Expecting it to work out seamlessly is akin to putting a couple of lobsters in a shoebox and hoping they’ll emerge with a well-choreographed Bolero. But to manage negative emotions such as fear, we have to try to understand where these feelings stem from. And, as Sigmund Freud suggested more than 100 years ago, the answer points to our infancy. ACCEPTING THE TRUTH

但这并不表示女人自己想要吓人，也不表示她们面对男人时没有怀揣相似的惧怕。姻亲关系由两个复杂的个体结合而成，他们努力不让彼此抓狂的同时，试图共同完成各种不相容且高风险的任务，如结婚，生小孩等等。要指望它做到无缝契合，跟往鞋盒里放几尾龙虾，盼着它们能跳出优美舞蹈一样地不靠谱。不过要想控制诸如“惧怕”这样的消极情感，我们必须试着理解这些感受的源头在哪儿。恰如弗洛伊德一百多年前提出的那样，其答案直指我们的幼年时期。2

“Mother love, also known as ‘smother love’, can sometimes leave young men feeling as though they have little freedom,” explains Paula Hall, a sexual and relationship psychotherapist. “Some may find themselves emotionally responsible for a mother who relies on her son to give her affirmation and belief in herself as a good mother. This can then leave men with an assumption that women will be overly demanding and needy. Men are more likely to fear being suffocated.”

“恋母情结（mother love或者smother love）有时候会让年轻人感觉自己好像没什么自由，”性关系学方向的精神医师Paula Hall解释道：“有些青年可能发现自己要在情感上对母亲负责，后者依赖于自己的儿子给予肯定与信念，相信自己是个好妈妈。这样一来，可能随之导致男人把女人设想成过度苛求过度贫瘠的生物。所以，男人更有可能是惧怕受扼制。”

Said aloud, this just makes men sound like eternally moody teenagers. But it is ingrained in us. Psychologically, it exists. And we will suffer it, even though timidity and fear of commitment are traits that we know rank fairly high up in the big list of things that women find unattractive in the opposite sex, lining up somewhere just behind ‘being in prison’.

这话说得掷地有声，听起来男人似乎永远是情绪化的少年，不过男人心理上的这种观念的确顽固地存在着。我们将容忍它的的存在，尽管深知“胆怯”与“害怕承诺”两项特征在一长串忌讳名目里相当靠前，其位置仅次于“坐牢”。1

But society has its part to play too. Growing up, the central idea of being scared of women is all around us. It is in the behaviour of the role models we sought to emulate, from our fathers who joked of “ball and chains” to the media we consumed. We’re a generation that can still remember when mother-in-law jokes were the pinnacle of stand-up comedy — gags in which the lead was invariably cast as an evil dragon whose raison d’être was to ruin the lives of whoever married their daughter. I remember telling a mother-in-law joke I’d picked up from my dad to my class at school, aged seven, unaware that I was calling my own nan a cow. In (albeit crap) TV sitcoms, hen-pecked husbands were portrayed as being at the mercy of tyrannical wives. Even Lion-O and Panthro would visibly buck-up their behaviour when Cheetara walked in during the joke sequence they used to have at the end of Thundercats. And they were cat-like humanoid aliens from the planet Thundera.

但是社会也有自己的角色要演。伴随成长的步伐，“怕女人”的中心思想一直萦绕左右。我们试图仿效模范角色的表现，从父辈们开“甜蜜枷锁——老婆”的玩笑，到接触的媒体所传达的信息，都属我们试图仿效的范围。我们这代人仍能记得《岳母笑话》作为单口喜剧的顶峰之作，那会儿的主角总扮一只恶龙，谁娶了她们的女儿，恶龙就毁掉谁的生活，这就是恶龙存在的全部理由。我记得自己七岁的时候讲过一个《岳母笑话》，从我们班上还有老爸那儿搜罗来的，当时讲的时候根本没意识到我管祖母叫母牛。在电视上的情境喜剧中，“妻管严”式的小丈夫任凭暴虐妻子的摆布。

“Like any behaviour or emotional reaction, the fear of women has been learned from somewhere,” says Dr Gian Gonzaga, senior director of research at eHarmony.co.uk. “It could have been directly, such as if a female role model was abusive, or it could have been indirectly, such as watching a male role model fear women. Men are unlikely to start to fear women because of a TV programme they watch. However, if they already have a fear of women they may use it as evidence to prove that women really are bossy and cruel. So while these images don’t create fear, they could help perpetuate it.”

英国一家社交网站研发部的高级总监Dr Gian Gonzaga说到：“与任何行为或情感反应一样，‘怕女人’是有根可寻的。有直接的，如一个泼妇作为女性的榜样角色；有委婉的，如观看一个男性榜样角色惧怕女人。男人不大可能因看一个电视节目就变得开始怕女人，可如果惧怕心理早已先入为主，电视节目可能会被男人当证据，用来证明女人确实跋扈又刻毒。所以，角色形象不吓人的时候，男人们也可以让相同的惧怕情绪延续下去。”

Perhaps the most uncomfortable outcome of this ingrained apprehension is the newly-spawned industry that preys on men who are petrified of talking to women. The ‘seduction community’, exemplified best by the runaway success of Neil Strauss’s 2005 book The Game, claims to be able to teach foolproof techniques for meeting women by feigning charisma. It’s a hideous turn of events that makes you hanker for the days when people replied to lonely hearts ads on Teletext. Anyone who actually peddles these techniques, or believes they exist, has all the charisma of David Miliband staring at a door. A COMMON PROBLEM

也许这种根深蒂固的恐惧心理导致的最不安后果，就是酿出一项新的产业：猎杀那些一跟女人说话，就吓得呆住的男人。Neil Strauss零五年出版的书籍《The Game》最好地例证了男人的次文化“魅力社区”，后者宣称能够教授极其简单的技巧，让人伪装成魅力男士与女性接触。这真是个骇人的大转变，让你不由地向往从前，那时候的人回复图文电视上的征友广告。无论谁要真正实践这些技巧，或当真相信有技巧可寻，便能怀拥英国外交大臣戴维·米利班德的全部魅力，成为鹤立鸡群的人物。

If men are signing up to The Game workshops in droves, then just how commonplace is this fear of womenfolk? I took it upon myself to conduct a piece of ‘scientific’ research. I asked two friends for their views on the subject. The first, Olly, is 29 and single.“I’m scared of any woman I don’t already know,” he says. “I know that I am too scared to ever go up to a woman I like and start talking to her. And if I did, I’d be afraid of messing it up if we started going out. And then I’ll end up getting scared again if it looks like it’s getting serious.”

要是有成群结队的男人参加《The Game》的各项研讨会，如此说来“惧怕妇女”到底有多平常？对此我询问了两位朋友的看法，做了项“科学”研究。其中一位叫Olly，二十九岁，单身。“只要是我还不了解的女性，我都怕。每次遇到我喜欢的人，我会害怕到不敢上前，不敢搭讪。要是我真这么做了，又担心俩人开始结伴外出的时候我会把事情搞糟。之后我们的关系如果朝严肃认真的方向发展，恐惧终会重新爬上我心头。”

Glen is 35 and has been married for four years. Surely he cannot still be wary of his wife after proposing to her?“Yes. I’m scared because if I p*ss her off she’ll get upset, which I don’t like,” he says. “Or she’ll get angry, which I don’t like. I’m scared of any fall-outs because they’re always really horrible.”

我另一位朋友叫Glen，结婚四个年头了。想必他求婚后不可能再惶恐了吧？“有！我怕！因为我要是惹到她，她会烦，我不想这样。或者她会生气，我不想这样。任何争吵我都怕，因为争吵好可怕！”

I remark that maybe it’s a reasonable request for him to just stop annoying her.

我对Glen说，不再惹恼她也许是个明智的选择。

“Yes,” he agrees, “but I can’t. I guess it’s what keeps you on your toes. If you’re not scared or nervous, you stop trying, don’t you? And that’s when it all goes wrong. I’m mainly scared because I don’t want it to go wrong. I like her.”

他赞同道：“对！可我不能这么做！要我看这个事儿，它就是让人从头忙到脚，从早忙到晚。要哪天你不怕了，不紧张了，你就没有眼泪了，对不对？到那时侯就坏了。我怕，主要是因为我不想走到那一步。我喜欢她。”

From this I draw three conclusions. Firstly, if you’re scared of women and you get married, you’re still scared of women, just fewer women than before. Secondly, if the fear of upsetting the women in our lives was a harvestable resource we could use as currency, then good people would be very rich. And thirdly, in most instances, we would genuinely sooner fight a rabid dog than walk over and say hello to a woman we find attractive.

我据此归纳三点结论。第一，如果你怕女人，而且已婚，那么你将继续怕女人，只是害怕的人数减少了。第二，在我们生命中出现的女人，我们怕自己烦到她们，假设这种害怕是资源，可随时变现，那么老好人一定富得流油。第三，说实话在多数情况下，我们宁愿跟一只疯狗搏斗，也不愿走到心仪的女人面前打声招呼。

It sounds immature and self-defeating and makes us look ridiculous, but men’s fear of women is a shapeless, intangible shadow that will always exist and, in some darker moments, beat us. Thankfully, Dr Gonzaga believes that there are ways we can overcome it. “The best thing you can do is continue to try to create positive interactions with the women in your life,” he says. “Just like fear is learned, it can be unlearned. It may take time, but as you have more relationships with honest and trusting women, you will find that your fear of them decreases.”

这话听上去充满幼稚与自我挫败的味道，这时的男人瞧着也挺荒谬的，不过对女人的惧怕就像无形无状的影子，一直伴随我们，在某些更灰暗的时刻还会痛击我们。谢天谢地，上文所提到的那位研发总监Dr Gonzaga相信，我们男人是有办法战胜恐惧的！“面对生命中出现的女人们，你所能做到的最好，就是努力创建积极的互动关系，并把它维持下去。就像恐惧被记住一样，它也可以被忘记。这也许会花点时间，然而一旦与既真诚又信赖他人的女性有了更多关联，你会发现自己的恐惧减少了。”

With this in mind I ask Dr Gonzaga for his sage, worldly advice on the single most consuming issue that men face in potentially romantic situations: rejection.

既然Dr Gonzaga说到这儿了，我就向他讨句放之四海皆准的智语，来破解一个最独特也最棘手的难题，即处在暧昧阶段的男士所面临的：被拒。

“Fear of rejection stops a lot of men even trying to approach women, but this fear can also be unlearned,” he explains. “In most cases women are flattered to be chatted up, and if they decide they’re not interested, will usually politely decline a man’s advances if they’ve been approached in a pleasant-enough way. If your goal is just to learn about the woman, you will be less worried about being rejected, and more likely to be successful. It also helps to copy the behaviour of men who are confident with women.”

他解释道：“因为害怕被拒，许多男人连试着接近女人都不敢，其实这种恐惧同样可以被忘记。大多情况下，女性会愉快地接受男性的调情，而一旦认定自己没兴趣，对方追求的方式也足够让人满意，那她们通常会礼貌地拒绝这位男士的殷勤。如果目标仅止步于认识这个女人，第一，被拒的焦虑会少一些；第二，成功的几率会大一些；第三，那些面对女人充满自信的男人，他们的行为举止效仿起来也更容易一些。”

What all this specialist advice has in common is that it is rational and obvious, when relationships tend to be anything but. In fact, if you tried hard enough you could again distil it down into the simple maxim: ‘Why don’t we just grow up a bit?’ But this isn’t about rhyme, reason or common sense. This is about love, and women, and the kind of undeterminable dreads that nest within you and wake you up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. Some people may say that fear is all in the mind. It’s not. Real men know fear is in the heart.

这个专家的建议有个共同点，那就是当两性关系不明朗的时候，建议都是理性而浅显的。其实，只要你足够用心，就可以把以上的建议提炼成一句简单的格言：“为什么我们就不能稍微成熟点？”然而它跟押韵、推理、常识没关系。跟爱、女人有关系，一种莫名的恐惧裹住你，让你从午夜里醒来，惊出一身冷汗。有些人可能会说，害怕全在脑子里。这是不对的，真正的男人知道，害怕在心里。

Ten tips for approaching women… by a woman: Kate Taylor, Match.com’s relationship expert, tells all

如何接近女人的十条小贴士

1 “Women are more open to conversation when they’re in the ‘social areas’ of a room at a party, like the centre, or near where drinks and food are being served.”

1. 女人在聚会房间内的“社交区”谈话会更放得开一些，比如在食物区的中心或旁边。

2 “Don’t try too hard to be funny. The simplest lines are often the most effective because they sound genuine. Just a ‘Hi, how are you?’ can be the best opening gambit.”

2. 不要过于试图风趣。最简单的往往最有效，因为不显造作。一句“嗨，你好。”可能是最佳的开场白。

3 “Stick to low-key compliments as they sound honest. We’re more likely believe you if you call us ‘pretty’ rather than ‘beautiful’.”

3. 坚持低调的赞美语，因为听起来真诚。称赞“秀丽”而不是“漂亮”，更容易让女人相信你。

4 “Be charming. We will judge you on how you treat everyone — whether you’re speaking to the bartender or our friends.”

4. 不管是跟酒保说话，还是跟女人的朋友们说话，都要有风度。你对待周围每一个人的方式，女人都在心里打分。

5 “Yes, you want to impress, but please don’t boast. It is more impressive if you appear genuinely interested in us and our day.”

5. 想给对方留下深刻印象，千万别用吹牛这招。只要对对方和对方的人生表现出真诚的兴趣，会让女人对你的印象更深刻。

6 “If you like a woman, talk to her first. If she sees you chatting up nine other women before her, she’ll assume you’re just looking for a bed for the night, and aren’t fussy about whose it is.”

6. 如果喜欢一个女人，先跟她说说话。她要是看到你在找她之前和九个女人调过情，她会肯定你只是在寻觅一夜情，对方是谁你根本不在乎。

7 “If you’ve noticed a girl around, tell her — it’s flattering. Just don’t come across too ‘stalkery’.”

7. 如果注意到附近的一个女孩，把这告诉她。这是一种恭维。只是走过去的时候别太“猥琐”。

8 “Don’t talk about other women. Even if it’s in an uncomplimentary way — it still rankles.”

8. 不要谈论其他女人，即使是以贬低的态度。这会引发对方的怒气。

9“Don’t hand over your business card and say you’d love us to ring you. Be the man. You call us.”

9. 不要递上名片说盼着接电话。做男人做的事，你要主动打给对方。

10 “Approach from the front and smile — body language research says women can get spooked if you sidle up from the side.”

10. 从女人的正前方微笑走近。研究身体语言的报告说，从女人的侧身悄悄走近，会让女人产生阴森感。