海阳黑社会于淸:专家帮你提高英语作文成绩

    广东阳春市第二中学初三张悦的原文
    Honor and Benefit 1
    Some people have got a big benefit, of course they are admired by the others 2. But if I have to make a choice between honor and benefit, I think I will choose honor 3.
    Maybe benefit can change a poor man into a rich man, or it can make him become household word 4, but I know some of them are not happy. Benefit is important, but not the most 5.
    Let's see how great they are 6: In Sydney Olympic Games, the athletes from different countries did their best, and they have won honor for their motherland. Also they got honor for themselves 7. The journalists in the world let us know what happened any time, even they can't have a good rest. They don't get benefit for themselves, but they are an honor to all the people 8. Many voluntary doctors from different countries came to some less developed countries in Africa to save the refugees 9, even though the environment there is not very good. Thanks to them, they bring health to people, and they have got the honor 10.
    In fact, honor is the best benefit. If you get honor, that means you have made a contribution to the society 11, and you will feel happy, although you didn't make fat benefits. You do something useful for the other people, they will get benefit. The more you do, the more they will get. Maybe the others will hefp you when you are in trouble, so you get benefit, too 12.
    经史冰岩教授修改后的作文
    Fame and Fortune
    If some people make great fortune, they will be admired by the others. But if I have to make a choice between fame and fortune, I think l will choose the former.
    Maybe fortune can change a poor man into a rich one, or it can make him become a household word. But I know some of the rich people are not happy. As far as I am concerned, fortune is important, but not the most.
    There are several examples to illustrate this. In Sydney Olympic Games, the athletes from different countries did their best to set new records, and they have won fame not only for themselves, but also for their motherland. The journalists report on various kinds of stories either in the war zone or in the poverty-stricken area in time even at the risk of their lives. They don't aim at fortune, but they will achieve fame for what they do. Many voluntary doctors from different countries left for some less developed countries in Africa to help the refugees, even though the environment there is not very good. It is these doctors that bring health to people, and for this reason they have earned fame.
    In fact. fame is the best fortune. If you come to fame, that means you have made great contribution to society and you will feel happy, although you may not make good fortune. It is likely that most people are in search of fame and fortune. As for me, however, fame is more important than fortune.
    总体评价：本文就目前的热点话题“名与利”进行探讨。作者认为，在大多数人追求“名与利”的今天，名比利更重要。作者用实例来论述自己的观点，具有较强的说服力。下面就主要的修改之处分别讲解。
    1.首先，本文的标题不够理想，从全文来看，作者主要就“名与利”展开讨论。因此，采用Fameand Fortune作为标题较为合适。
    2.“Some people have got a big benefit, of course they are admired by the others.”这是两个简单句，在这两个简单句中，既无并列连词，也无从属连词，两句之间既不是并列关系，也不是主从关系。因此，应将它们改成带有条件状语从句的主从复合句。同时谓语动词也做相应的调整，即采用主句用将来时，从句用一般现在时的形式。另外，表示“获得了大笔财富，发大财了”，用make great fortune更合适。
    3.“But if I have to make a choice between honor and benefit. I think I will choose honor.”为避免重复现象应使用一些表示参照关系的词语，如the former （前者），the latter（后者），the following（如下）等。
    4.“.…or it can make him become household word.”本句中household word为可数名词，因此，前面应加不定冠词a，意为“家喻户晓的名字”，常用的同义词为a household name。
    5.“Benefit is important, but not the most.”本句无可厚非。之所以添加了陈述个人态度的过渡性词语As far as I am concerned.主要是为了表现句与句之间的粘合性，以保证全文的通顺与流畅。
    6.“Let's see how great they are：”本句含义不清，指代关系不明，做了较大的调整。
    7.“In Sydney Olympic Games, the athletes from different countries did their best, and they have won honor for their motherland. Also they got honor for themselves.”若在did their best后面加上一个目的状语会使句意更加完整。此外，应注意使用一些从属或并列连词，如not only...but also，会使句子结构更加简洁，意义更加明了。
    8.“The journalists in the world let us know what happened any time, even they can't have a good rest. They don't get benefit for themselves, but they are an honor to all the people.”本句无论是句意还是用词上都不太妥当。记者的主要工作是及时报道世界上所发生的新闻时事，他们的目的并不是为了利，所付出的也不仅仅是休息时间，有时是生命。因此改为：The journalists report on various kinds of stories either in the war zone or in the poverty-stricken area in time even at the risk of their lives.
    9.“Many voluntary doctors from different countries same to some less developed countries in Africa to save the refugees,...”本句中come意为“（向说话者的方向）来”，leave for意为“前往，奔赴”。
    10.“Thanks to them, they bring health to people, and they have got the honor.”本句中thanks to意为“由于”，它与主句之间应构成一个因果关系，放在本句中不妥。在英文写作中应注意采用一些地道的英文句式，如形式主语、形式宾语、强调句等，会使文章流畅自然，含义准确清晰。本句中采用强调句式可以突出那些医生们的贡献。
    11.“If you get honor, that means you have made a contribution to the society,...”本句中society前不加定冠词。
    12.“You do something useful for the other people, they will get benefit. The more you do, the more they will get. Maybe the others will help you when you are in trouble, so you get benefit, too.”本文的结尾不理想。结尾处应表明态度，再次点题。因此，整体改为：It is likely that most people are in search of fame and fortune. As for me, however, fame is more important than fortune.^