杭州公馆业主群:想要内心平静吗？那么请你学会宽恕

Want Inner Peace? Learn to Forgive

想要内心平静吗？那么请你学会宽恕

By Mary Jaksch

撰文： Mary Jaksch

It can be difficult to forgive those who  hurt us. In fact, we sometimes cling to our grievances and grudges. Because our stories of grievance and resentment are a way to define who we think we are.

要想忘记那些曾今伤害过我们的人几乎是件难以做到的事。事实上，有的时候是我们太过纠结于自己的委屈和怨恨。因为那些让我们感到不满和怨恨的事情能够反映出我们是如何看待自己的。

Just think for a moment – do you carry stories of grievances?

想一下---你是不是满脑子充满了怨恨？

I’ve met many people whose lives are completely consumed by their story of neglect or abuse. It may be a story of how their parents or other family member mistreated them, or how a partner or friend betrayed them, or how they fell victim to a crime.

我接触过许多人，他们完全生活在遭受忽视或受到虐待的生活中。他们的故事不外乎于遭受到自己的父母或亲戚的虐待，或者是被自己的伙伴或朋友出卖，亦或是感到自己成为了恶行的牺牲品。

Now this may sound strange, but there is a payoff from carrying grudges.

这也许听上去有点奇怪，但是带着怨恨生活真的会给你带来不好的结果。

The payoff of resentful stories is that we can blame failure or misery on others. We don’t have to take responsibility for what our life is like. And our stories of grievance can also get other people to take our side. Such stories can create a 'them against us’ scenario. Stories about grievances have been told since the beginning of mankind.  Like K D Lang’s celebrated song Trail of Broken Hearts. 

带着怨恨生活的后果就是我们会将自己的失败或苦痛归咎于他人，我们也会对自己的生活现状失去责任心。而我们满腹心酸的故事也会获得别人的同情和支持。这些往事会创造出一个“他们在跟我们做对”的假象。自有了人类以来，有关怨恨的故事就层出不穷。就如K.D.朗那首耳熟能详的歌曲《心碎印痕》所唱的那样。

Why should we let go of grievance, and embrace forgiveness? It’s quite simple, really.

为什么我们应该丢弃怨恨，拥抱宽恕？道理很简单。

Grievance makes us miserable – forgiveness set us free 

怨恨使我们痛苦---而宽恕则能够让我们获得自由

But aren’t some thing just too hard to forgive? Here is the story of Anne Marie Hagan from Canada:

不过，有些事是不是真的很难就这样忘记？这里有一个关于安娜.玛丽亚.哈根的故事，她来自加拿大。

Anna was a 19 year old nursing student when she saw her father brutally murdered by a neighbor who was suffering from schizophrenia. She became completely consumed with anger, bitterness, vengeance, and self-pity: “I was absolutely determined that this man would never, ever regain his freedom. The longer he was locked away, the greater the value of my father’s life.”

当安娜还是个19岁的护理系学生的时候，她的父亲不幸被患有精神分裂症的邻居残忍地杀害。她心中充满了愤怒、悲哀、仇恨和自怜：“她斩钉截铁地认为这个人将永世不能重获自由。他被囚禁的时间越长就越能体现我父亲生命的价值。”

And then, 17 years later she saw the perpetrator face-to-face:

后来，她在十七年后与当年的行凶者面对面见了一面：

It was during this meeting, while learning more about him as a human being and the horrendous suffering that he’d endured, that everything changed.

“正是在这次会面中，我更多地了解到了他人性的一面以及他所饱受的巨大苦痛，这彻底地改变了我的观念。

She writes that in that meeting,  16 years and 10 months of misery was just wiped away.

她写道，正是那一次会面，让她十六年又十个月的悲伤一下子消失殆尽。

As he started to cry and said, “I’m to blame, I’m to blame”, I couldn’t take it anymore. I rushed around the table and hugged him, telling him that I forgave him. I remember saying to him, “Blame is too strong a word, blame is too strong a word.”

“他开始痛苦流涕地说，“都是我的错，都是我的错”，我就再也无法忍受下去了，我急忙绕过桌子一把抱住他，告诉他我已经原谅了他。我记得我当时对他说的话是，“责备解决不了问题，责备解决不了问题。”

Can we learn to forgive?

我们可以学会宽恕吗？

The good news is that we learn to forgive. It’s important to understand that forgiveness isn’t just an act of will. The path to forgiveness is through compassion, and there are a number of steps that make it easier to move towards forgiveness.

好消息就是我们可以学会原谅他人。不过，宽恕并不仅仅是一种个人意愿上的行为表现，理解这点非常重要。通过同情、怜悯就能到达宽恕，而且还有还几个步骤可以帮助你更容易地学会宽恕。

Here is what Anne Marie Hagan says:

下面就是安娜.玛丽亚.哈根所说的话：

I could never have imagined that in doing so, I would set myself free. Finally I was able to let go of all the pain and torment that had held me captive, realizing that I’d been my own jailer. My life changed as I began to see the world.

“我从来都没有想到我这样做会让自己获得自由。过去所有的苦痛让我身陷于倍受煎熬的泥沼中，而我意识了正是我自己让我挣扎于不能自拔中，不过最终我还是学会了宽恕一切。当我开始那样做了以后，我的生活就发生了很大的改变。

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My father’s killer is now 59 years old. He has a job, and he’s working towards a university degree. I admire him for having the strength and the courage to rebuild his life. I visit him regularly. We have talked at length about what happened on that fateful day, and how my forgiving him has changed both our lives.

杀死我父亲的凶手现年五十九岁。他有一份工作，而且他现在还在为一个大学学位而努力。我敬佩他那种为重建人生而体现出的勇气和毅力。我常常去拜访他。我们促膝长谈，聊起了那改变命运的一天以及我的原谅对彼此的生活所带来的变化。undefined

You can see how Anne Marie’s life changed in a wonderful way after she was able to forgive. She could now move forward and throw off the shackles of the past.

你可以看到当安娜学会了宽恕之后她的生活发生了非常巨大的变化。她现在可以心平气和地面对过去的枷锁，然后继续向前生活。undefined

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Can we learn to forgive?

我们可以学会宽恕吗？undefined

The good news is that we can learn to forgive. But it is not just a single act of will. The pathway to forgiveness is through compassion. Here is what Anne Marie Hagan says:

好消息是我们可以学会宽恕。不过这并不仅仅是一个单纯的个人意愿上的改变。通向宽恕之路便是同情。下面就是安娜.玛丽亚.哈根所说的话：undefined

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Forgiveness is not permission. It doesn’t mean that you agree with what the offender has done, or that they had a right to do what they did.  Forgiveness cannot be conditional on remorse because that would mean we can only forgive those who are sorry. Forgiveness is recognizing that the offender is a human being who is deserving of kindness, compassion and love despite the harm they have done.

“宽恕并不是一种许诺。宽恕并不意味着你要认同冒犯你的人所做的一切，也不是意味着他们有做那些错事的权利。宽恕也不能建立在对方良心发现的基础上，如果是这样的话，那就意味着我们只能够原谅那些感到自责的人。宽恕就是视那些冒犯者与我们一样同样拥有被善待、被同情、被爱的权利，尽管他们做出了伤害他人的事。undefined

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So what about you – are you willing find the path to forgiveness?

所以，你呢？------你愿意去发现通向宽恕的路途吗？