利拉萘酯乳膏没有用:为什么我们非吵不可

为什么我们非吵不可

This guest article from YourTango was written by Julia Flood.

文章摘自社交网“你的探戈”客户博客，原文作者：朱莉亚.弗纳德

It doesn’t seem to make sense: You used to be best friends, but now you can’t go a day without fighting. Your partner says something that triggers you — you feel attacked or devalued — and you react: Maybe you yell, slam the door and walk out, or you shut down and refuse to continue the conversation. Looking back, it may be hard to tell how you even got into the argument in the first place.

   这看起来不可思议，你们原本是最好的朋友，可现在一天不吵都不行。你的伴侣说了些话激怒你-你觉得受到攻击或者贬低-于是你以各种方式回击，也许大喊大叫、或者"砰”的关上门、或者突然闭嘴什么也不肯说。回首过去，你很难相信你们会开始争吵。

It might have been something very subtle that made you see red: a smirk, rolled eyes, a certain body posture, or tone of voice. In a split-second you picked up on a messageand you simply reacted. Unfortunately, your own signature response to the threat you perceive coming from your partner is likely to be the exact thing that drives him or her crazy, whether you say something hurtful, or flee the battlefield and leave your partner feeling abandoned. It’s a vicious cycle.

   也许让你发火的只是些非常细微的事情：傻笑、眼珠转动、一个不经意的肢体动作或者说话的语调。瞬间你感到不爽就直接回击。不幸的是，往往当你感觉受到威胁而做的这些事情可能会令他＼她抓狂，不论你是说了有伤感情的话，还是离开“战场”让你的伴侣觉得被抛弃。这就是一个恶性循环。

What’s going on? While we are social beings and want close relationships, we are also hard-wired for survival. Biologically speaking, when we feel threatened, we usually resort to one of 3 reflex-like reactions in order to protect ourselves from more hurt: fight, flight, and freeze. Depending on the situation, our brains try to determine the most likely outcome of a conflict and assess if there is enough time to escape, sufficient strength to fight/win, or if “playing dead” is the best strategy in order to survive.

   究竟是发生了什么让我们变成这样？我们是社交动物，我们都渴望亲密无间的关系，同时我们都在求生存。从生理上讲，当我们感觉受到威胁，通常会直接反射性地采取三种反应来保护自己不受更多的伤害：斗争、斗争和沉默。视情况而定，我们的大脑试图确定一场冲突最可能的结果，或者评估有没有足够的时间逃离，有没有足够的力量斗争＼赢，还是说争得你死我活才是生存的最好策略。

These responses are not rationally chosen. Rather, they are triggered by external stimuli which cause your brain to fire almost instantly. Many of us have had experiences in the past where such a response was necessary for physical or emotional survival, and the brain has been shaped in ways to optimize these self-defense responses. The trouble is, while our reactions were probably shaped by a legitimate threat in the past, it may now be exaggerated in terms of the threat we now perceive from our partner when discussing an uncomfortable subject.

   怎么回应不是理性选择的。一定程度上，外界因素触动大脑瞬间开战。我们中的大多数都有过这样的经历，这样的反应是感觉象身体或情感生存的必须，于是大脑形成了这种最优化的自我防卫模式。问题是，过去我们的采取的反应可能是在受到一个合理合理的威胁时发生的，而现在当我们同伴侣讨论一个不愉快的话题时我们所感受的威胁却给放大了。

But there is hope: It takes a lot of time, practice, and more often than not professional guidance to teach your brain new ways of responding, but your brain can be rewired. Brain scientists call this process neuro-plasticity. Therapy can teach you to share things that bother you with your partner effectively, as well as how to listen to your partner while staying close, curious, and connected. The goal is getting to know him or her better in light of their history so you can change the vicious cycle of your interactions together. Your natural reactions, such as immediately wanting to fix a problem, withdrawing, or becoming emotionally reactive, can be un-learned.

   当然，我们还有希望来改善这种状况：这需要花较长的时间来练习，而且往往需要专业指导来教大脑用新的方式来反应，然而毕竟你的大脑模式是可以重新塑造的。脑科学家给这个过程叫神经可塑性。心理治疗可以有效地教你讲出困扰你与伴侣关系的因素，如何保持亲密、兴趣及有效沟通地听伴侣诉说心声。目标是根据他们的过去来更好地了解他\她，然后你才可以改变大脑里之前恶性循环反应。你的自然反应，比如立即想要解决问题、退缩或者变得冲动，都可以重新学习。

While it is challenging, a couples therapist can provide you with the tools and practice to learn to speak your minds without escalating the situation. When listening to your partner’s reality, you can learn to tolerate your own anxiety, calm yourself, and not lose sight of what is true from your perspective. If you and your partner practice that kind of sharing and listening, not only will your conflicts likely decrease, your intimacy will increase, too, leading to you both feeling more satisfied in your relationship.

   这做起来有一定的难度，婚姻治疗专家可以教你一些方式来练习，学会在心平气和地说出你的想法。当聆听你的伴侣诉说心声时，你可以学会承认自己的焦虑，使自己冷静下来，而不会迷失自己本来美好的愿景。如果你和伴侣一起练习分享和聆听，不仅你们的冲突会越来越少，还会增进们的亲密度，彼此感觉关系更加融洽。