杨清柠快手小号id:[原创]（中英文对照）--构架婚姻的桥梁 - 婚姻咨询 - 心理治疗师俱乐部 心理...

构架婚姻的桥梁

  “要爱、尊重、珍惜……”大多数夫妇在他们婚礼的那一天都许下诺言，他们是发自内心的、并对将来的幸福生活充满了信心。他们也承诺要面对重要的挑战，但是事与愿违，几乎一半的婚姻都在挑战面前败下阵来，以离婚而告终。

  离婚的原因有很多，然而，实际上导致感情破碎的常见原因是缺乏交流。也许似乎很惊讶。。。为什么呢？如果交流对于我们个人和我们的婚姻状态这么重要，我们为什么不能好好的沟通呢？

  唯一的原因是，我们中的许多人从来就没有学会有效沟通的技巧。如果交流可以让我们彼此分享对方的感受，经历。那么交流就是我们和别人直接架起的一座桥梁。因此我们的交流目标就是要建造一座桥梁，而不是一堵墙。

  为了婚姻内部有效的沟通、为了建造相互连接的桥梁，对夫妻来说构建感情的安全感是最重要的。夫妻的关系应该是我们躲避风暴的港湾。但是斯通见惯的是，家庭成为了战场，在那里每一个人学习伤害对方的技术。很少有人真正的倾听对方在说什么，因为大多时候你在试图保护自己或如何报复对自己的攻击。

  为了帮助在你的婚姻内部铸造一个安全的港湾，这里有几条建议帮你提高有意义的沟通。

   听，认真的倾听对方的话，这意味着：当你的爱人说话的时候，保持安静－不要打断对方、不要为自己辩护。  
   把自己放在你爱人的角度，这不意味着认同他/她所说的，但是让自己充分地理解你爱人的感受这就是分享。  
   确认爱人的感受，重复他/她的话表示你确实理解他/她所说的。我们所有的人都需要理解，当我们做到了，就能够培养亲密的感情。
   不仅听他/她的每句话，也要感受话里所传达的意义。试着去理解所表达出来的伤害、沮丧、生气、遗憾、辜负或其他的情绪。
   试图得到更多的信息，当你听的时候，要求澄清，得到所有的事实，以确保你的理解、不要妄下结论。
   观察那些非语言类的信息，声调、手势、面部表情、看你的眼神、甚至是和你的距离，这些都会给你有用的信息。想一下当你看着你爱人的眼睛对他/她说“我爱你”和你看着窗外或盯着地板说“我爱你”有什么不同。
   用“我”而不是用“你”，用“我”打头的话开始你们的沟通。“你”开头的句子像是在责备。比如，你说：你根本不会管理钱财。这样的话根本不会帮助你，反而让他/她站到你的对立面上，采取防御措施。如果你说“我真的很关心我们的财政问题”这样的话里感觉不到威胁，反而可以开始一段没有指责的、积极的、正面的沟通。
   抽出时间来做一个有意义的讨论，表现出你百分之一百地愿意倾听。
   提前就告诉你的爱人你们要讨论的话题，而不是给他/她突然一击。让他/她知道沟通是为了找到解决问题的办法，不是为了指责。
   只讨论你们正在讨论的话题，不要翻过去的旧帐，过去的让它过去，不要再提起。你的目的不是在纠错和诋毁。你是为了寻找和你的爱人培养亲密关系的方法，他/她是你决定要共度一生的人！
  婚姻中的沟通困难吗？通常是这样的。然而，有计划的、坚持不懈的、耐心的、再加上基本的沟通技巧，有效的沟通是可以实现的，建立一个桥梁，使你们的婚姻长寿。假如你发现你们的婚姻中很少有沟通或干脆就没有沟通，咨询师也可以协助你建筑沟通的桥梁，使你的婚姻回归正常轨道。

by Lorrie McCann

时间：06/07/01

来源：workplaceblue.com


Building Bridges Within a Marriage

"To love, honor and cherish..." - they're the promises made by most couples on their wedding day, promises made in earnest, with hearts full of hope. They're also promises that provide significant challenges - challenges that apparently can't be met in the almost half of all marriages as they end in divorce.


While the reasons for divorce are many, a common thread in virtually all fractured relationships is a lack of communication. Why then, if communication is vital to our survival as individuals and to the institution of marriage, are we often so bad at it?


One reason may be that many of us never really learned the skills necessary to communicate effectively. If communication is about sharing our feelings and experiences with each other, then communication can also be viewed as the bridge that connects us to others. Our communication goal, therefore, should be "bridge" building, not "wall" making as it too often seems to be in many marriages.


To communicate effectively within a marriage, to build that connecting bridge, it's important that the relationship create "emotional safety" for the partners. Your relationship should be a haven from the storms of life. But all too often, a relationship becomes a battleground where each partner becomes well schooled in the art of inflicting pain on the other. In such cases, it's impossible to really hear what the other person is saying, since most of the time you're trying to protect yourself from further attack or figure out how to counter-attack yourself.


To help build a safe haven within your marriage, here are some guidelines that can help improve meaningful communication:


Listen, really listen to each other - that means keeping quiet - not interrupting or defending yourself while your partner is speaking.

Put yourself in your partner's shoes - that doesn't mean agreeing with your partner, but only stretching yourself enough to understand the experience your partner is sharing.

Validate your partner's feelings - provide feedback that shows you truly understand what is being said. All of us need to feel understood - when it happens it's a powerful feeling that fosters intimacy.

Listen not just to the words, but also for the feeling within the message. Try to understand the hurt, sadness, anger, loss, betrayal or other emotions being expressed.

Ask for more information. As you listen, ask for clarification, get all the facts, be sure you understand and don't jump to conclusions.

Monitor your nonverbal messages. Voice tone, hand gestures, facial expressions, eye contact, posture, even the distance between you, can all send powerful messages. Think of the difference between saying "I love you" while looking into your partner's eyes, or saying the same phrase while looking out the window or staring at the floor.

Use "I" rather than "You" messages. Statements that start with "I" foster communication. "You" statements that assign blame stifle it. Saying to your partner that "You are terrible at handling money" can't help but bring a defensive reaction. Saying, instead, "I'm really concerned about our finances," is much less threatening and can open a positive discussion without pointing a finger of blame.

Make time for significant discussions. Set appointments. Show your partner that you are willing to listen one hundred percent.

Tell your partner ahead of time what the issue is, rather than launching a surprise attack. Demonstrate you want to communicate to find solutions, not just to assign blame.

Stay focused on the issue at hand. Don't dredge up old hurts from the past. The longer you know each other the more ammunition you have in your arsenal. Drop the past. Your goal is not to search and destroy. You're seeking ways to develop intimacy with the person you have chosen to spend your life.

Is communication within a marriage difficult? Often it can be. However, with planning, persistence and patience, plus basic communication skills, effective communication can take place and allow you to build a bridge to each other that will last a lifetime. If you find your marriage is suffering from poor or nonexistent communication, a counseling professional may be able to help you get that bridge building back on track。


by Lorrie McCann