时钟机关三部曲:“开放式婚姻”，有啥不可?

“开放式婚姻”或会引起上世纪六 七十年代那场“性”革命的回忆，那时的社会便有了“自由性爱”与“换妻”这样的术语。

But now, as those words receive new attention amid the GOP presidential contest, the experts say it's important to note that among couples who practice open marriage, they don't consider it a license to cheat.

而如今，随着共和党总统候选人竞选的推进，如此术语愈发受到关注。曾有过“开放式婚姻”的夫妇中，人们并不认为这属于一种欺骗。而专家表示，这种观点应重起来。

"The spouses do not consider themselves cheaters," says Pamela Haag, whose 2011 book Marriage Confidential included discussions with couples in open marriages.

帕梅拉?哈格曾于２０１１出版了新书《秘密婚姻》，书中也谈论了有关夫妻间“开放式婚姻”的话题。她表示“夫妻并不认为彼此欺骗对方” 1

"Spouses in open marriages agree to non-monogamy before-the-fact," she says.

“配偶间在‘开放式’婚姻前，皆否认一夫一妻制。”

That's not necessarily what happened in the case of Republican presidential contender Newt Gingrich, who has denied that he asked his second wife, Marianne, for an open marriage or divorce so he could continue his affair with Callista, now his wife. In a television interview, Marianne Gingrich said Newt Gingrich told her he wanted to remain married but also wanted to have an extramarital relationship. His ex's allegations so angered the former House Speaker that he used the podium at the South Carolina debate to blast the media for reporting what he termed "trash."

而对共和党总统候选人纽特?金里奇，这一名词有了不同的解释，他曾向第二任妻子玛丽安提出，要么来开放式婚姻，要么离婚，这样就可以和现任妻子卡利斯塔搞婚外情。对此他一口否认。接受电视采访中，玛丽安?金里奇说，纽特曾告诉自己婚姻继续，但不要妨碍婚外情。前妻如此指控，也激发了这位前众议院院长的怒火，纽特?金里奇曾在南加利福尼亚州辩论中，借助讲台狂轰媒体报道，称他们报道都是“垃圾”1

Historian Stephanie Coontz, who has researched the history of marriage, says in certain cultures around the world, extramarital sex for one or both partners is accepted.

历史学家斯蒂芬妮?孔茨曾研究过婚姻史，他确信，在全世界范围，搞婚外恋，一两个伴侣都可以接受

"The problem in America is that the so-called 'open marriage' has usually been somewhat one-sided. To be a real 'open marriage,' it has to be a mutual decision," she says. "For most of history, men had open marriages and women didn't. Men had affairs and women had to put up with it."

而美国当今的问题却在于，“开放式婚姻”一般都未免有些片面。要有像样的“开放式婚姻”，参与的双方都要做决定。“纵观历史，多数情况下，都是男方有开放式婚姻，而女性却无”这意味着，男人可在外面胡搞，夫人只能在家忍气吞声。

"Newt Gingrich's wife didn't want it to be an open marriage," says Coontz, who teaches history and family studies at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash. "To the extent he was trying to impose that against her will has nothing to do with openness. It has to be mutually desired — not mutually extorted."

孔茨现执鞭于位于首都奥林匹亚的常青州立大学，教授历史及家庭教育。他接着评论道：＂玛丽安?金里奇可能以为，这并非一场开放式婚姻。如此看来，纽特不过是将主见强加于玛丽安这和开放性婚姻无关。因为此事并非相互欺骗，而是两厢情愿。＂

For her book, Haag surveyed 1,879 men and women from an online panel representative of Internet-using adults in the USA. She asked them about the viability of monogamy and whether they "agree or disagree" that "It's unrealistic for a marriage to be monogamous forever." She says 69% disagreed with the statement and believe a marriage can be monogamous; 14% were neutral and 16% agreed with the statement. She also asked whether "non-monogamy could work, if the couple agrees to it beforehand," and found that 22% agreed and another 19% neither agreed nor disagreed, totaling 41% "who at least think it might work."

在哈格书中，她调查了１８７９名网络研究小组的代表，这些人都是全美成年网络用户。问题是一夫一妻制的可行性，及是否同意“‘婚姻就要永远保持一夫一妻制’不现实”这一说法。调查表明，６９％的人不同意该说法，反而相信婚姻可以是一夫一妻的，而１４％的人持保留意见，剩下的１６％则为同意。哈格又抛出问题，“如果夫妻双方事前商量，那改变一夫一妻未尝不可”，结果发现２２％的人同意，１９％持保留意见，而４１％的人基本上赞同。

Dossie Easton, a marriage and family therapist in San Francisco, says she's been practicing polyamory (multiple and simultaneous sexual relationships) since 1969. She's written about it and advises couples interested in exploring such relationships.

来自旧金山的婚姻及家庭临床医学家多西?伊斯顿表示，从１９６９年开始，她就开始尝试多角情爱关系，还对此有记载，并向追寻如此关系的夫妇提供建议。

Easton says open sexual relationships require the parties to be honest, have mutual consent and a willingness to negotiate how it's going to work and make sure that people's feelings are acknowledged.

伊斯顿说，开放式性关系中双方要诚实，两厢情愿，有意沟通，要了解彼此的情感。

"It used to be considered that if you had a mistress, it was almost your ethical job to make sure your partner didn't find out because anything else would be totally disrespectful to your partner," Easton says. "In many cultures, there was that kind of tacit permission for men to have partners as long as they are discreet. But in this day and age, no one can be that discreet."

"人们曾以为，如果你是服务员，那道德上讲，你的伴侣就无需外遇，因为这样只会让对方脸上挂不住。从不同文化角度看，只要男方小心谨慎，婚外情就相当于默许。而如今，这事儿就没那么容易咯＂

Coontz says couples should discuss their feelings about monogamy.

孔茨说伴侣间应谈谈一夫一妻制的感受。

"Do they want to make it a 'make or break it' thing or build in certain leeway so it does not seem like betrayal if it happens," she says. "I'm not advocating one way or another, but it's a conversation couples should have about what their commitment to each other is."

她说“情侣间该讨论这事发生后，是分还是合，要么就给彼此留下余地。否则真有外遇发生，彼此也不会觉得欺骗。我并非在鼓吹事实，夫妻彼此要谈心，要有承诺。”

Haag, of Baltimore, says estimates suggest about 5% of all marriages meet that definition of "open."

而来自巴尔的摩的哈格表说，据估计，约有５％的婚姻满足“开放＂要求。

"We do know they exist," Coontz says. "But in the context of Americans in particular — with a very strong identification of sexual fidelity with love — it's the exceptional couple that works this out."

孔茨说，＂‘开放式婚姻’却有这事，但在这样一个对性爱忠诚有着强烈的认同的国度，只有金牌夫妻才能搞定。＂