北极狐雇佣兵:夫妻小别，益处多多

Research and experience confirm that time away from one's spouse actually strengthens the marital bond.

                  ——研究结果与实践证实:与自己配偶的暂别，实际上增强了婚姻关系的纽带。

Michelle Van Loon

                           米歇尔·房龙  语           

 If the mathematics of marriage is two becoming one, how do you factor in couples that have decided that some temporary division improves the odds of their relationship’s longevity?

       假设婚姻数学是这样：一门婚姻是由两个因数构成的，有夫妻认为，一段时间的暂别，有可能改善相互关系，那这类夫妻又由几个因数构成的呢？

A recent Slate piece highlighted one of the findings from Iris Krasnow’s recent book, The Secret Lives of Women: Women Share What It Really Take to Stay Married: Strategic absences can make spouse’s hearts grow fonder.

       最近，杂志《石板书》上刊登了一篇文章，该文醒目的写着：“妇女生活中的秘密”：“妇女分享：如何能真正维系婚姻”：“细心策划的小别，能让配偶感情倍增”。这都来自一本书里讲的心得体会。该书最近出版，由爱丽丝. 克拉斯洛所著。

Krasnow discovered that spending the month of July apart from her husband of 23 years so each could pursue their own interests strengthened their relationship. This was not a Hall Pass-style break, but rather an intentional choice by both partners to devote time and resources to personal growth. Krasnow currently uses her July marriage sabbatical for writing time on one coast, while her husband focuses on building his furniture business on the other. Krasnow notes that when August rolls around, the two are "hot to see each other, high on our personal accomplishments, and purged of the inevitable resentments that arise in the grind of the ordinary that long marriage becomes."

        克拉斯洛与丈夫生活了23年，两人打算每逢7月份分开一下，让双方都可以做点自己感兴趣的事，她发现，这样做巩固了大家的关系。这不是一种“老师给学生批假”式的短休，而是双方有意为之，好让大家将时间精力花在个人成长上。克拉斯洛现在某海岸，利用7月份的婚内假期写点东西，而她的丈夫此时在另一处海岸，专心拓展自己的家具生意。克拉斯洛点评道：每当8月来临，两人“都渴望着见面，沉醉于大家的个人收获之中，各自的怨气也一消而散：经年累月的婚姻，枯燥的柴米油盐生活，这种怨气的萌发在所难免。

Krasnow interviewed more than 200 women who’d been married 15 years or more. Wives who were married to spouses who were gone for extended periods of time, such as fisherman and truckers, reported that the separations honed their communication skills, matured their sense of self, and encouraged them to develop their own toolkit of practical skills. A broken toilet in a busy household can’t wait for a husband away on a business trip.

      克拉斯洛采访了超过200位妇女，都已结婚15年，或年数更长。一些妇女嫁给了常年出外的配偶——例如渔民和货车司机。她们讲述道：夫妻分离让自身的交流能力得到磨练、自我意识完善了、促进了实际技能的提高。丈夫在外做事，忙碌的家中马桶坏了，不能指望远离的他帮你处理。

The one marital separation that does not offer these benefits is when a spouse is on active duty in a war zone. Krasnow reports that the damage from the stress of the situation erodes any individual growth gains that may occur during the separation.

The idea of time away from a spouse may sound counterintuitive to those who vow to love, honor, and cherish until death parts them. Church and culture alike portray the marriage ideal is two becoming one and living together happily ever after – emphasis on together. Popular Christian marriage manuals like The Love Dare and Love and Respect underscore the idea that growing a marriage that goes the distance means actively fighting the temptation to drift apart over time. Togetherness is typically prescribed as the de facto solution to this drift.

        与配偶暂别的主意，对于那些决志相爱一生，信守诺言，至死不渝的人来说，咋一看上去，也许不大对劲。于教会与文化界来讲，理想婚姻的美景应是：合二为一、幸福相守一生：着重相守。流行的基督教婚姻指导手册——像《爱的挑战》、《爱与相敬》这类，都强调这样的理念：要培育一段相偕到老的婚姻，需积极地与光阴渐逝，疏离日增的诱惑抗争。要避免这种疏离，相厮相守通常被认为是切实的解决方式。

Krasnow challenges this notion. She found that “the happiest wives have a sense of purpose and passion in work and causes outside of the home. Wives who counted on a spouse for fulfillment and sustenance were often angry and lonely.” Though time apart can be beneficial to both parties in a marriage, the studies quoted by Slate underscored the reality that time away may be more beneficial for women than for men. One possible reason for this may be because some women may be tempted to submerge some or all of their God-given identity for the sake of the relationship. 

       克拉斯洛质疑这种看法，她发现：“最幸福快乐的妻子都有目标感、对工作有热情、追求家庭外的事业。那些依赖丈夫来维系生活，依赖丈夫来实现自我满足的妻子，通常都是些怒形于色，自感形孤影寡的人”。《石板书》援引的调查强调：夫妻小别，也许女方比男方得益更多。造成这种情况的一个可能原因是：为了维系感情关系，也许某些女性更乐于，部分或全部，掩饰上天赐予自己的特性。

After 32 years of marriage, I affirm Krasnow’s conclusions about time away, albeit with a slight modification. Short-duration slices of time spent apart from my husband have created space in my life to focus fully on writing projects, service and learning opportunities, and cherished friendships. My husband has encouraged me to pursue these things, and honors them for the growth opportunities they are for both of us. He has enjoyed the quiet around the home to read, watch movies, and relax, and is considering some “time away” options of his own. Krasnow has noted that time away can function as a reset button on some of the niggling annoyances that build up like dryer lint in a long-term relationship. My husband and I agree.

       作为一位有32年婚史的人，尽管有值得商榷的地方，我还是同意克拉斯洛的这些看法。之前我与丈夫有一小段时间的分别，这给我的生活创造了空间，让自己能全神倾注在写作计划、履行自己的职责、各种学习机会和结交朋友上。我丈夫一直鼓励我追求这些事情，并称赞这样做有助于两人的成长。他一直喜欢家有安静的环境，享受在家读书，看电影和休息的乐趣。目前他在计划一些自己”小别“的方式。克拉斯洛强调，在婚姻关系的长跑中，如同干燥机工作时产生的棉絮，家庭内的琐碎磕碰日见聚积，夫妻小别起到一个复位按钮的作用。

However, during the early years of our marriage, the kind of time away our relationship needed most was time together. We had three children in the span of 36 months, and it was essential for us to get away together a couple of times a year so we could pause from our Mommy-Daddy roles and remember who we were as a couple. Using our limited time resources to build our marriage was the right call for us during those busy years.

       但是，在我们婚姻生活的早期阶段，最需要的暂离是两人相聚的暂离。那时，我们在36个月内有了3个孩子。为了暂停一下做爸爸妈妈的角色，为了不忘记两人还是一对夫妻，大家一起每年离开几次，对我们来说，是不可或缺的事。在那些繁忙的岁月，利用有限时间去经营婚姻，我们这样做是对的。

But as our children grew up, I realized that I’ve needed to do some growing up as well. That has meant developing as a couple, investing in our family, friends, and in a ministry in which we are both involved. It has also meant pursuing growth as an individual. Long-married couples learn over time to blend their lives in ways that become habitual and comfortable, but that comfort can become a stale plateau for both parties. That plateau is not a spiritually or emotionally healthy place to live.

       可是孩子长大后，我意识到，自己也需要长大一些。就是说，夫妻关系要有增进，家庭生活质量，朋友关系要有提高，教会事奉——这我俩都有参与，要做的更好。同时也意味着，要追求个人的长进。随着时间的流逝，结婚已久的夫妻生活，会转为一种习以成俗和安分知足的状态，但于双方来讲，安分知足也会让生活变得像一潭死水，在灵命上或感情上来说，这都不是健康的生活。

Paul's words to his friends in Corinth about marriage offer scaffolding upon which long-time marrieds can build if they take some time away: 

        使徒保罗跟哥林多的朋友（见译者注）谈到过婚姻问题，他的话语，给结婚已久、想要小别一下的夫妇，提供了构筑婚姻大厦的金玉良言。这些话语是：

- Our bodies are not our own

          ——我们的身体不属自己。

- Both spouses should agree on the nature, purpose, and duration for their time apart

          ——配偶双方应对大家暂别时间的长短，性质和目的没有异议。

- The goal of temporary separations isn’t to encourage couples to grow apart; it’s to come back together in order to move forward

          ——暂别的目标不是鼓励夫妻渐行渐远；而是鼓励夫妻再度相聚，兴旺家事。

Paul, who was single when he penned these words, sums up this segment of his instruction to married couples with this reminder: “…each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that” (参照第7节）.

        在撰写这些文字的时候，使徒保罗是单身，他这样概括自己的教诲，以提醒已婚夫妇：”...只是各人领受，神的恩典，一个是这样的，一个是那样“（参照第7节）。

Married couples may benefit from the decision to carve out some individual time in order to discover, exercise, and refine those gifts. In this way, they can become gifts to one another the way God intends when he brings two people together in order to make them one. 

         已婚夫妇腾出一些个人时间，去发现，实践和完善这些恩典，也许这决定不无益处。为了让夫妻成为一体，上帝将他们合二为一，这些夫妻的行动，成就了上帝让双方彼此恩惠的旨意。

Posted by Katelyn Beaty on October 6, 2011 12:25 PM

                                                     凯特琳.比衣缇  博文  2011年10月6日 12:25 PM

       译者注：在《圣经》中，《哥林多前书》是使徒保罗给哥林多教会的一封信，信中有大量篇幅提到基督徒的婚姻问题。从该文的意境来看，提到的内容来自《《哥林多前书》第7章。