金翅大鹏半胛纹身:沟通的艺术：全在于你怎么说

全在于你怎么说

Post written by Sherri 

撰文：雪莉

翻译：暖盈929

We were at the mall a few weeks ago and stopped for a bite to eat. At the table next to us was a gentleman sitting with a couple of young kids. When they were done eating they got up and the man began dressing the youngest boy in his winter gear to take him outside. The little boy was having none of it. This little one complained, squirmed and put on quite the show while dad was trying to get him dressed .

几个星期前我们在购物中心购物，稍作休息时吃了点东西。在我们旁边的餐桌上坐着一位男士和两个小孩。他们吃完了后站了起来，那位男士开始给最小的孩子穿上冬衣要带他出去。这个小男孩儿却不愿意，在爸爸试图在给他穿衣服时，他一直抱怨，扭来扭去，非常不乖。

Then the dad, visibly annoyed and frustrated said “Come on! Let’s go! Put your boots on!…Hurry up!…Let’s go!…Do up your jacket!” I was a little taken aback, but I also didn’t know the whole situation and certainly wasn’t aware of the circumstances leading up to this exchange. As I’m now a parent, I am quite aware of the frustration that sometimes comes along with trying to get your kids to do anything they not keen on doing. I am certainly not judging that father in anyway for how he behaved. 

随后那位爸爸明显恼怒了，抓狂地说，“快点！走了！穿上靴子！……赶快！……走了！……整好你的夹克！”我有点吃惊，但是我也不知道整个状况，肯定没有了解这段争吵之前的情景。由于我现在也是作父母的人了，我非常了解有时试图让孩子去做他们不喜欢的事情随之而来的窘促。我当然不是在评判那位父亲的行为。

What really struck me was that I say exactly the same words to our son when getting him ready to leave the house in the winter, so what makes me different from that stressed out father at the end of his rope in the mall? My tone. The words are the same, but how I say them is very very different. When I say these things it’s always in a light, “let’s make it a game” tone and my son responds really well to that, so it works for me.   It was interesting to me because this was really the first time the phrase “it’s not what you say but how you say it” really hit home. 

实际上我想到的是，当冬天我给儿子穿衣准备出门时，我对他说了完全一样的话，那么我跟购物中心里那位无计可施、筋疲力尽的父亲有何不同呢？应该是我的语气。说的话是一样的，但是怎么把它说出来却是非常非常的不同。当我在说这些话时，我总是以一种轻柔的，像“我们把它当游戏玩吧”这样的语气，而我的儿子对此的回应非常好，所以这个方法对我来说很有效。我觉得很有趣，因为实际上这是第一次“不在于你说什么，而在于你怎么说”这句话真正地切中了要害。

Complexity of communication

沟通的复杂性

At its most basic level communication is simply the transfer of information from one thing to another. Add people to the mix each with different histories and experiences and suddenly communication becomes very complex. Communication extends beyond the words used and language spoken to include things like tone, volume, expression as well as non-verbal cues like eye contact and body language. 

从最根本的意义上来说，沟通不过是把信息从一个事物传到另一个事物。将不同历史背景和阅历的人考虑进去，突然间沟通就变得十分复杂了。沟通不仅仅包含使用的话语和所说的语言，它还包含一些譬如语气、音量、表情以及眼神交流和体态语这样的非语言暗示。

As an example, take the following phrase: “OK, let’s go”. Try saying it out loud with no expression, harmless right? Try saying it with a smile, sound chipper and excited to go. A positive statement right? Now, try saying it loud, emphasizing every word, tilting your head to one side and sighing at the end. Suddenly this simple and harmless statement becomes rather unpleasant.

以下面这句话为例：“好，我们走吧”。试着不带任何表情地大声说出来。毫无恶意是吧？再试着面带微笑地说，听起来很愉悦、兴奋。这听起来积极向上，是吧？现在，试着大声说，重读每一个字，头往一边歪，最后叹声气。突然这句简单毫无恶意的话就变得相当令人不悦了。

It can also depend on our relationship with the other person as well. If you’re chatting with a close friend and you know their personality it’s easier to interpret the message or to know what they mean even though it’s not necessarily what they said. If you’ve just met someone and don’t really know what they’re like it can be difficult to differentiate sarcasm and jokes from sincerity.  

说话方式也取决于我们与另一个人的关系。如果你在跟一位密友聊天，你知道他的个性，那么你就可以更容易地解读对方的信息或者知道他的话的意思，即便你未必理解正确。如果你仅仅是刚认识某个人还并不了解他，那么要区分讽刺、玩笑和诚恳就有些困难了。

It’s not JUST how you say it either

这也不仅仅关乎你如何去说

Think about all the different ways you communicate. There’s email, letters, instant messaging, and twitter all of these methods don’t require a spoken word but the complexity is the same if not increased. Think about how many times you’ve either had one of your emails misinterpreted or have misinterpreted one yourself. 

思考一下你在与人沟通时用的各种不同的方式。电子邮件、书信、短信、推特，所有这些方式并不需要你张口说话但是沟通的复杂性只会提升不会降低。回想一下有多少次不是你的邮件被人误解了就是你自己误解了别人发的邮件。

For instance, DID YOU KNOW THAT WRITING IN ALL CAPS could be taken as anger and not just enthusiasm, emphasis or excitement? The same goes for formatting (bolding or italicizing) and exclamation marks!!!! In case you haven’t noticed I’m a fan of the exclamation mark but I use it with the intent of communicating enthusiasm. However, I can see how my overuse of the simple exclamation mark could be interpreted as being pushy or trying to make a point. 

例如，你知道全部用大写字母会被当做愤怒而不仅仅是热情、强调或是兴奋吗？编排格式（粗体、斜体）和感叹号也是如此！！！！假使你没有注意到我是感叹号的忠实粉丝，我用它的目的就是传递热情。然而，我知道我过度使用了感叹号这个简单的标点符号是如何被别人理解为执意强求或是试图表明看法的。

What you may consider to be harmless may be interpreted in as many ways as there are readers of your message. Be aware of this and give a little extra thought before pressing the send button may just save a whole lot of heart ache down the road. 

你认为毫无恶意的言语可能会让他人有很多种理解，因为会有很多人读你的信息。意识到这一点后，在按下发送键之前多加考虑，这样或许就在今后避免很多伤心之事。

It may not have anything to do with YOU

这可能跟“你”没关系

How many times have you said something, seemingly harmless, to someone only to have them snap back at you or respond with aggression? Our reactions to what a person communicates can largely be influenced by our mood or what happened immediately before this current exchange.

有多少次你对别人说了一些貌似并无恶意的话，结果他们却厉声反驳你或者带有攻击性地回应你？我们对一个人所传递的信息的反应，很大程度上会受我们的心情或者交流之前发生的状况所影响。

Imagine you have just come from a meeting with your boss where she’s said you’ve been doing a fabulous job. She continues to sing your praises and hints towards a promotion in the near future. You are on cloud nine! As you leave her office a fellow coworker comes up and asks you to rework a proposal you had put together because, in their opinion, it’s just not that good. You’re likely to just let it roll off your back, no big deal right? You smile, say “sure no problem” then happily take the proposal and start reworking it. 

想象一下你刚从老板那儿开完会，会上她说你一直表现非常出色。她继续称赞你，暗示在不久的将来就会给你升职。你高兴得有些飘飘然了！正当你离开她的办公室时，一位同事走上来，让你重新做一份你已经做好的计划书，因为在他们看来这份计划书并不怎么好。你很可能根本没把这当回事儿，没什么大不了的是吧？你笑了笑，说“当然没问题”，然后高兴地拿走计划书开始重做。

Now, imagine you have just come from a meeting with your boss where she informs you that your performance isn’t good enough. She also mentions that you are not meeting her expectations and that over the next month she’ll be watching you very closely to make sure you improve. At the end of the meeting she hints towards a layoff if you don’t improve your game. As you leave her office your coworker asks you to rework the proposal because, in their opinion, it’s just not that good. This time do you let the comment roll off your back or are you more likely to snap, burst into tears or verbally attack them?

现在，想象一下你刚从老板那儿开完会，会上她告知你你的工作表现并不够好。她还提到你并没有达到她期望的那样，在接来下的一个月里，她会密切注意你确保你有所进步。在会议最后，她暗示如果你的工作没有进步的话你将被解雇。正当你离开她的办公室时，一位同事走上来，让你重新做一份你已经做好的计划书，因为在他们看来这份计划书并不怎么好。这一次，你是不把这当回事儿呢，还是更有可能不耐烦地回应，眼泪夺眶而出或者嘴上反击呢?

Notice how the stimulus (your coworker) doesn’t change but your response certainly does. It’s important to be aware of this. The next time someone snaps at you for something that is relatively harmless think first about how and if it could have been taken the wrong way and then secondly remember that they could be having a terrible day and this is the last straw. 

注意你的反应是如何在刺激物（你的同事）没变的情况下必然改变的。意识到这一点非常重要。下一次有人因为你说了相对而言并无恶意的话而对你怒声斥骂的时候，首先想想是不是可能表达的方式错了，怎么错的；然后记住，他可能当时情绪很糟糕，你说的话就成了导火索。

Similarly, consider your reaction to someone else. Were you being unfair in responding the way you did? Are you just having a bad day? Are you just in a bad mood? Having enough self-awareness can stop you from acting in a way that makes you feel unhappy with yourself and is potentially disrespectful to others.

同样，细想一下你对他人的反应。你是否在回应别人时也不是很公平？你是不是这一天过得很不顺？你是不是心情很糟糕？有足够的自我察觉可以让你不再做那些让自己不开心还可能对他人无礼的事情。

Final thoughts

结语

Think before you speak

三思而后行。

Give people the benefit of the doubt, they could be having a bad day

假定人们没有错，他们可能当时很倒霉。

Apologize if you react negatively to an otherwise harmless situation

如果你对一个在其他方面并无恶意的状况表现消极，请道歉。

Consider all things that go into communicating like tone, expression, volume, font size, formatting etc…

考虑一下有关沟通的方方面面，例如语气、表情、音量、字号大小、格式编排等等。

Read and re-read before you hit the send button

在按下发送键之前反复读一下要发出的信息。

Communication is complex. Take away the interpersonal aspect – face to face contact, visual cues and body language and you haven’t got much left to work with. Try to gain an understanding of who you’re trying to communicate with. What is their background? What are their experiences? And remember that your message and intent may be harmless but it’s not always WHAT you say, it’s all in HOW you say it.

沟通是复杂的。除去人际关系方面——面对面的接触、视觉提示和体态语，就没剩下多少你需要处理的了。试图去了解你要去沟通的人。他们有怎样的背景？他们有怎样的经历？记住，你的讯息和意图未必是有恶意的，但是这不总是取决于你说的话，重要的是你要如何表达出来。