桃源仙踪父女文书包网:伤害要如何控制？

            作者：ARIEL KAMINER

Published: November 18, 2011 

           2011年11月18日

My daughter briefly dated a boy who clearly had many psychological problems. He confided in my daughter that his brother molested him throughout his childhood, until he was old enough to put a stop to it. He said he never told the many therapists his parents dragged him to, and would die before telling his parents. Now he works part time in child care and is considering a career in nursing. Based on my limited knowledge that certain behaviors often repeat, am I wrong that he poses a danger to children? Don’t his parents have a right to know? What, if anything, should I do? ANONYMOUS 

      “我女儿草率地和一个明显有许多心理问题的男孩子约会了。他私底下告诉我女儿，在他孩提时代，他的哥哥不断对他进行性骚扰，一直到他长大了，有足够的能力阻止这一切为止。他说，当他被父母拽着去看治疗师的时候，他从来没有告诉过他们中的任何一个。他打算临死也不告诉自己的父母。他现在在一家托儿所兼职，正考虑着进入护理这一行。根我所知，某些习惯是会经常重复发生的，他有可能会给孩子们造成伤害，我这么想难道错了吗？难道他们的父母没有权力知道这一切吗？如果发生了什么事，我又该怎么做呢？” 匿名

A secret like that is a terrible thing to bear — for the young man, most obviously, but also for your daughter and for you. It’s no wonder you feel compelled to do something. But with a subject as emotionally charged as childhood sexual abuse, it’s important to consider the facts, not just what feels right. 

      很显然，承受那样的秘密对那个年轻男人来说，是多么糟糕的一件事情。同样，这对你和你的女儿来说亦是如此。无可厚非，你会觉得自己必须要有所行动。但是，这是关系到儿童性虐待这么一个感情化的问题，因此，把事实考虑进去很重要，而不是主观认为正确的事情。

Like you, I thought first of the children whom the young man works with. Isn’t their welfare the most urgent concern? But according to many experts, the link between surviving sexual abuse and committing sexual abuse is much more tenuous than popular narratives would lead us to believe. 

      和你一样，我首先考虑得是同这个年轻男人一样有着类似经历的孩子们。难道儿童福利不是我们最应该关注的紧迫问题吗？然而，许多专家认为，经受性虐待与犯下性虐待之间的联系微乎其微，远不及流行故事使我们相信的那样。

The link between sexual abuse and depression or suicide, however, is alarmingly strong. Which is why Paul Mones, a lawyer for victims of familial and institutional abuse, says, “You should not worry as much about what the guy is going to do to others as what’s going to happen to him, later in life.” 

      但是，性虐待与抑郁症、自杀之间的联系却是惊人的紧密。这也是为什么受家庭与制度虐待的受害者辩护律师Paul Mones会说 “你不应该像担心这个家伙以后会发生什么一样，太过于担心他会对别人做些什么。”

The young man’s abuse was chronic and he went to great lengths to keep it secret. If he warns he would rather die than talk about it, you might want to take him at his word. As for his work, Mones says that “sexual abuse by men makes it hard for its victim to trust or even work with men. It’s possible he’s going into child care and nursing because those are largely female professions.” Less sinister than what you feared, but hardly less alarming: the guy is in no condition to attend to other people’s traumas if he hasn’t yet attended to his own. 

      这个年轻人受到了长期的虐待，而他也尽自己最大的力量去保守这个秘密。如果他警告说他宁死也不愿意提及此事，那你应该按他的话去做。只有他的工作，Mones 说过，“来自男人的性虐待会使得受害者很难再信任男人，甚至于很难与其共事。大体上来说，儿童保育和护理是女性职业，因此，他想进入儿童保育和护理行业也是可能的。”事情没有你想得那么险恶，但也并不是完全不令人担忧，因为如果这个家伙还没有处理好自己的精神创伤，那他也不会懂得如何处理别人所受到的精神伤害。

If your priority, then, is to get him the help he seems to need, tread very carefully lest you push him further back into silence. With the proper coaching — perhaps from the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network — your daughter might be able to raise the issue with him. But she should prepare herself for some long odds. 

如果你的首要任务是要提供给他必要的帮助，你一定要小心对待他，以免把他再一次推向沉默。通过适当的引导（可以从美国最大反性暴力组织的RAINN 网站上获得），你的女儿也许可以跟他提起这个话题。但是她必须做好心理准备，接受机会的渺茫。 

If your priority is to prevent further victimization, you might want to shift your gaze to the older brother. Someone who does that much harm over that long a period has got to be a fairly damaged soul. Whom else might he damage? But according to Rebecca Roe, a former prosecutor who ran a sexual-abuse unit for 18 years, there may be no good way, depending on your local statutes, to report his supposed crime. 

      如果你的当务之急是要防止进一步的伤害，你应该把你的视线转移到那个兄长身上。在如此长时间里造成那么大伤害的那个人，一定有一个相当残破的灵魂。他可能又伤害了其他哪些人？然而，一位在处理性虐待案件的单位工作了18年的前检察官Rebecca Roe看来，根据地方法规，除了汇报他可能会犯的罪行，没有更好的办法。

Jon Conte, an authority on the effects of childhood sexual abuse, suggests an ethical framework for such a complex situation. You have to ask, he says: “Whose interests am I holding at the moment? If it’s the larger community, then you need more information about the brothers. If it’s the young man you had a relationship with, then you pursue that. I don’t think you can pursue everyone’s interests at the same time. So whose interests are we going to hold paramount?” 

      Jon Conte 是研究儿童性虐待的影响方面的权威。他提出了一个道德框架来处理这种复杂的情况。“你必须扪心自问”他说，“此时此刻我持有的是谁的利益？如果是范围更广的大众，那么你需要获得更多关于那些犯下性虐待的兄长们的信息。而如果是那个与你有关系的年轻人，那么你就为他谋取利益。我不认为你可以同时照顾每个人的利益。既然这样，我们只需自问，谁的利益将会成为我们的重要利益呢？

The usual impulse would be to protect the most vulnerable. But in this case, it seems, everyone needs concern, even the abuser. 

       人们通常会去保护最脆弱的人群。但是，在这个案例中，似乎每个人都需要关心，即使是施虐者。

PARTING GIFTS 

      分手礼物

I was divorced in 2002. Last year a former employer notified me that I had a pension plan worth about $80,000. Our divorce settlement does not refer to any retirement money. No law that I am aware of states that I have to tell my ex. But while I was with that company and earning the pension, I was also in a partnership with her. She did a wonderful job raising our three kids and shared in all the good and bad times. So I am going to share the pension with her. My therapist believes I am certifiably nuts. Was my decision the most ethical thing I have ever done, or am I a fruitcake? G.W., La Grange Highlands, Ill. 

      我在2002就离了婚。去年，我以前的雇主告知我，说我获得了8万美元的退休金。我们的离婚协议并没有提及任何一笔退休金。而且我所知道的州中，也没有什么法律规定我必须把这一切告诉我的前妻。可是，当我在那家公司工作，赚取退休金的时候，我和她是在一起的。她做得很好，辛勤养育了三个孩子，与我分享着所有痛苦与欢乐的时光。于是，我决定同她分享这笔退休金。我的医生认为，我是个不折不扣的笨蛋。我的决定是我做得最道德的事情吗？还是我真是一个疯子？  G.W., La Grange Highlands, Ill. 

Good question. You could try asking around at the Exceptionally Appreciative Ex-Husbands Who Unilaterally Volunteer to Pay More Than They Agreed To support group. But it’s not scheduled to meet, well, ever. 

      这个问题提的很好。你可以试着进入到the Exceptionally Appreciative Ex-Husbands Who Unilaterally Volunteer to Pay More Than They Agreed To网站中的支援团里去了解了解。不过，这可从来不是计划性的会谈。

Not all people going through divorces try to get more than their fair share. Some just want to get it over with. Few, however, would reopen a signed settlement in hopes of getting less than their fair share. If your therapist thinks you’re nuts, I can only imagine what your lawyer thinks. 

      并不是所有人在离婚后都想得到比自己份额更多的东西。有些人只要足够了此一生就够了。但是，很少有人会不惜得到更少的份额而重新订立协议的。如果你的医生认为你是个笨蛋，可以想见，你的律师会怎么想。

But the money is yours, spend it as you like. So long as you’re not using it to obligate your ex-wife, you are free to spend it on her, as a gift. Just don’t bother looking for an I’m Upping My Alimony Payments gift card at the Hallmark store. 

      但是，这笔钱是你的，按你喜欢的方式花了吧！只要你不用它来施恩于你的前妻，你可以把它当作礼物，随意地花在她的身上。千万不要觉得在一个Hallmark商场寻找一个类似于 I’m Upping My Alimony Payments 的礼品卡很麻烦！