驻港部队新闻:把内心的原谅说出来:从愤怒中走出来

把内心的原谅说出来:从愤怒中走出来

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Mike Bundrant

编辑的标注:这是一个来自迈克.班得瑞的贡献

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” ~Joseph Campbell

""我们必须乐于释放我们已经计划好的生活,以便接受正在等待我们的生活.""约瑟夫.坎贝尔说.

I stood in front of my father, man to man, and demanded an apology. His long absence and lack of interest during my formative years had burned within me a resentment that wouldn’t quit. My therapist suggested that I confront him as one adult to another, so there I was.

我站在父亲面前,就像一个男人面对另一个男人一样,要求一个道歉.他在我成长的年纪里长期缺席和缺乏兴趣已经使我在心中中燃烧了一种愤恨,而且一直不能停止.我的治疗卖家建议我像一个成年人面对另一个成年人那样,所以我到了那里.

It didn’t go well. The more I pointed out his failures, the more defensive he got. The more I demanded an apology, the more he justified his actions. In his mind, he wasn’t to blame for the fact that I spent much of my childhood longing for the particular kind of bonding that only a loving father can provide.

事情进行的不顺利.我指出他的失败越多,他的采取的守势越多.我要求的道歉越多,他描述他的理由越合理.在他的心中,他没有归咎于这个事实,那就是在我度过很多童年时光中,渴望拥有一种特别的关系--那种只有一个有爱的父亲能提供给的关系.

“It’s a simple apology!” I finally screamed. “That’s it. That is all I want. You weren’t around and you damn well should have been. I needed you. It’s not rocket science. Children need their parents. But you didn’t care about me, did you?”

只是一个简单的道歉,我最后叫着.那就是,就是我所要的全部.你不在我左右和你严厉地批评已经成为过去,我需要你.这不是火箭科学,孩子需要他们的父母,但是你没有照顾我,不是吗?

“Well, you are only alienating me further by the way you’re acting now,” he replied, offended.

""哦,以你现在的方式,你正和我更加疏远"他愤怒地回答说.

Maddening. I left that encounter with a splitting headache that lasted three days. What gives? How could he be so narcissistic? I returned to my therapist, Jake, to discuss the incident.

令人发狂.对此事,我持续了三天爆裂的头痛.是什么给他的?他怎么能那么自我陶醉?我回到我的治疗师杰克那里讨论这件事.

“You confronted your father and really pushed him. I guess you needed to do that,” Jake said with a tone of respect. “Now, perhaps you can approach him in a different way, coming from a different place.”

你正视你的父亲并切实推了他.我猜你需要那样做.杰克以一种关心的语气说.现在,也许你能以一种不同的方式靠近他,来自一种不同的地方.

Forgiveness

宽恕

I agreed that Jake must be right, although it would be three years before I understood what that new approach might be. I knew I needed to forgive him, so I just kept trying. All of the prayers, affirmations, visualizations, and other work must have been helping, but I never experienced the true letting go of resentment that comes with actual forgiveness. It didn’t feel like a choice.

我同意,杰克一定是正确的. 尽管在我理解的那个新的方式可能是什么之前已经过去了三年时间.我知道我需要去原谅他,所以我只好一直努力.所有的祈祷,证词,想像,和其他工作一定有帮助,但是我从来没有体验到真正的释放怨恨,那些伴随宽恕来到的.它不像一个选项.

The answer came from a client. She had come to me for help in dealing with her son and happened to tell me about an encounter she once had with a Buddhist monk. After angrily relating the sad tale of her childhood and the awful parenting she experienced, the monk simply stated the following:

答案来自一个顾客.她曾经来向我求助对待她儿子的问题,并告诉我关于她与一个和尚的偶遇.在愤怒地讲述她童年悲惨的故事和她经历的糟糕的抚养后,和尚只是说了下面的话:

You are the wrongdoer now.

现在你是作恶者.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

它像一块一吨重的砖块击中了我.

I had never considered my father from the perspective that I might be in the wrong somehow.

我从来没有用我可能是我错了的方式的观点来考虑我的父亲.

I was working like mad trying to forgive him, hoping to alleviate my anger, but I didn’t realize that the anger itself, at this point in my life, was a wrong that I was perpetrating. It dawned on me a little more each day.

我像疯子一样工作试图去原谅他,希望减轻我的怒火,但是我没有认识到这种怒气本身,在我生命中的这一点,是一个错误,那是我在作恶.它在我身上萌芽一天多似一天.

My father was a person who was living in the shadow of my resentment, day in and day out. What is it like to have an unforgiving son? How well can anyone get along with people whose sole purpose is to take them down? A mental floodgate had opened and energy was flowing in a totally new direction

.

我父亲是一个生活在我怨恨的阴影里进进出出的一个人.有一个不可原谅的儿子将像什么?怎么能同那些人相处的好,他们唯一的目的就是把他们记下来.情感的闸门已经打开,能量正以一个全新的方式流下.

The next visit with my father was different.

接下来同我父亲的谈话是不同的.

My sincere plea was, “I came to apologize to you, Dad, for resenting you. I know it’s affected our relationship. I’ve been hateful to you for not being available when I was young. I really needed you then, but showing up screaming at you and demanding apologies isn’t exactly helpful. I understand that now and hope you can forgive me for mistreating you for so many years.”

的真诚的的请求是,"我来向您道歉,爸爸,因为对您感到愤怒这件事.你知道这影响到我们之间的关系.我对您在我年轻时不能得到些什么而感到十分讨厌.然而我真的需要你,但是对您显示尖叫和要求道歉不是真正的有帮助.我现在理解你并希望你能原谅我那么多年错误地对待你."

Acceptance

赞同

I’d like to tell you here that my dad broke down in tears, took responsibility for everything, begged my forgiveness, and became my best friend from that moment on, but that would be a lie. He merely asked, “Why don’t we just drop the whole thing and move on?”

我在这儿想告诉你,我的父亲掉下了眼泪,为所有的事情负责,乞求我的原谅,并在那一刻起成为我最好的朋友.但是那将大概知只是一个谎话.他只是问道"为什么我们不放下整个的事情往前看."

“Agreed,” I replied. Then, we watched whatever ballgame was on the television. My dad was indeed emotionally unavailable. He didn’t connect well with other people, including all of his children, and he was unhappy for his lack of caring. His favorite pastime was to be left alone and without obligation.

''同意"我回答说.于是,我们观看电视中的无论什么球类节目.我父亲实际上感情上难以获得.他不能同别人好好地相处,包括所有的他的儿女,而且他为他的缺乏关心感到不快乐.他最喜欢的娱乐是独处和没有责任与义务.

I, on the other hand, was finally free. No more resentment burning up my days and nights. No more feeling like a victim of child neglect. No more anger for being born. I could see my father now, not from the perspective of a child with unmet needs, but as an adult capable of understanding that people aren’t always what you need them to be.

我,从另一方面说,终于自由了.没有更多的怨恨在以后的日日夜夜升起.没有更加的感情像一个被忽视的儿童的受害者.没有更多的愤怒因为出生.我现在能看待我的父亲,不是从一个未被满足的孩子的角度看,而是作为一个成年人,一个能够理解他人不能总是成为你需要他们成为的人的角度.

With all of the ups and downs, emotional setbacks and struggles in my relating to my dad, this perspective has been the most valuable of all

.

带着所有的沉浮,感情的挫折和与我父亲相关联的斗争,这些想法已经成为最其中最有价值的东西.

New Perspective

新的想法

There are those who have suggested that I could have never asked his forgiveness or let go of the anger if I had not first confronted him and “gotten it off my chest.” This may be true. I’ll never know because that is what I did and I can’t return to do it over any other way.

有一些人他们建议我不要请求他的宽恕或者发泄愤怒,如果我没有最初的直面他和"懂得出自我的胸怀".这可能是真实的.我将永远不知道,因为那是我所做的,并且我不能返回重新以任何其他方式做.

I’m not so concerned about it. I’m not trying to write a forgiveness protocol. Everyone is faced with unique circumstances that deserve to be considered as such.

我不是那么关心于此.我不是试图写一个宽恕的礼仪.每个人都面对独特的环境,都应该依其环境本身而加以深思熟虑的对待.

What does all this say about forgiveness? To me it is simple. When you can’t forgive another person, stop and consider what you’ve done that needs forgiving. Turn forgiveness inside out.

我不是那么关心于此.我不是试图写一个宽恕的礼仪.每个人都面对独特的环境,都应该依其环境本身而加以深思熟虑的对待.

所有这些说的是关于原谅的吗?告诉我,那是很简单的.当你不能原谅其他人的时候,停下来想一想你做过什么需要别人原谅的事,把内心的原谅说出来.

Photo by CarbonNYC

图片由CarbonNYC提供

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