28米跨圆弧屋架图集:一个作家对婚姻的忠告

    五年前，我和我的丈夫有了一个拥有一栋“待修”房子的机会，而且如果我们要卖掉它的话可能会赚钱。最初这看起来似乎是一个很容易就能做出的决定：每个家庭都会买房子，而且住宅从来也没有失去价值过。

    Yet, instead of leaping at the opportunity, my husband and I visualized what the next few years would look like. We went over the building plans for the house, the financing we were eligible for, and the estimated time it would take for him to do the repairs. For financial purposes, he planned to do most of the construction work himself, which meant that renovating the house would be his full-time occupation, and I would be the primary breadwinner responsible for paying the bills.

    我们并没有迫不及待地作出决定，我和我的丈夫设想了接下来数年将会是什么样。我们检查了这所房子的修缮计划和我们可以承担的财务因素，另外还有这栋房子修缮工作可能所需要的时间。出于财务方面的考虑，我的丈夫计划自己承担大多数的修缮任务，这就意味着他的全职工作就是修复这所房子，而支撑家计则是我的责任。

    After careful deliberation, we bought the house.

    经过慎重考虑，我们买下了这所房子。

    Now, some people would look at our bohemian lifestyle and be appalled by our mismatched furniture (most of which my husband crafted together on a whim), and the piles of wood and tools scattered throughout the house. Even friends and family have begun to ask us: “So, how much longer until you’re finished?” But I know what they’re really asking us is: “How can you two stand to live like this?”

    现在，一些看到我们吉普赛式的生活方式的人会惊讶于我们不协调的家具（大多数是我丈夫在一个绞盘上拼装起来的）以及庭院里散布的木头堆和工具。即使朋友们和亲戚也开始问我们：“恩，还要多久你们才能完工？”不过我明白他们的真实意思：“你们两个怎么能忍受这样的生活？”

    But, you know what? What others may see as an intolerable living situation, I see as a financial investment. The house we bought was not a “good-as-new” fixer-upper. No, it was a “tear-this-room-down-to-the-two-by fours-and-build-it-from-scratch” fixer-upper. Every day, I am in awe of the sweat equity that my husband puts into this house, and I’m confident that the our investment will pay off in the end and make up for all his years of hard labor.

    但你知道吗？别人认为这是不可忍受的生活条件，而我则视其为一项理财投资。我们买下的房子并不是状况良好如新的待修房屋。它是一栋“破烂不堪”的待修房屋。每一天我都被我丈夫为这所房子付出的汗水辛劳所震撼，但我相信我们的投资最终能获益，而且他数年的辛苦劳动能够得到补偿。

    Dreaming Together

    一起梦想

    Five years ago, I was dissatisfied with my day job. I was good at what I did, but I never felt fulfilled or content. I never acknowledged my desire to write a novel, let alone share that goal with others.

    五年前，我不满足于自己的正职工作。当时的工作我很擅长，但我从未因此感到充实或满足。我从未表达过我有想要写一本小说的欲望，更不用说将这个目标与其他人分享。

    But then, one day, during one of my epic conversations with my husband about life, the universe, and everything else, he told me: “You should write the novels that you’re so addicted to reading.” His words took root my mind that day, and eventually inspired a new life goal.

    但随后的某天中，在与我的丈夫关于生活和人类整体等话题的一次重要交谈中，他告诉我说：“你应该写小说，就是你沉迷于阅读的那些类型的小说。”那天，他的话在我的意识中扎了根，而且最终为我新的生活目标做出了启发。

    So, we made a deal: once the house was finished and refinanced, he would step back into a full-time position in the work force, leaving me with the option to either change my occupation to one that was less demanding than my current day job, or, take up a part-time job.

    就像这样，我们做出了一个约定：一旦房子竣工资金重筹，他将会重新投入全职工作，而我则可选择从事一个比现有正职工作要求低的工作，或者是选择一份兼职。

    We both understood that the publishing process would be slow, and I may not be able to see the fruits of my labor right away. But my husband acknowledged that any new venture is an investment, and he wanted to ensure that I had the time and resources I needed to create a beautiful story.

    我们都理解作品发表的进度可能会很缓慢，而且我有可能不会立即能得到自己的劳动果实。但我的丈夫宣称任何的冒险都是一种投资，而且他想确保我拥有创作一篇美丽故事所需的时间和资源。

    Of course I started to feel anxious, wondering if I could ever be good enough to live up to my husband’s expectations. But then he told me: “You’re no one’s idea of mediocre.”

    当然，我开始感觉到焦虑和疑惑，我不确定自己是否能像我丈夫期望的那样。但这时他告诉我：“没人觉得你很平庸。”

    My husband is not a person to dispense empty praise, not even to me. So, when he says something like that, how can I not believe him?

    我的丈夫不是一个说空洞赞美话的人，即使对我也是这样。所以当他说出那样的话的时候，我怎么会不相信他呢？

    Creating Together

    一起创造

    So, how were we able to take on such life-changing decisions in stride? How can you support your spouse’s dreams while nurturing your own? Here’s how:

    我们怎样才能果断作出这种改变人生的决定呢？你怎样才能在保持自己梦想的时候也支持配偶的梦想呢？请看下文：

    Be Happy Individually.

    作为个人要快乐

    You need to know what makes you happy–independent of your spouse. Write it all out, from life goals such as writing “The Great American Novel,” to everyday treats like a guilt-free afternoon typing away at your computer writing a story just for fun. Be as specific as possible. Then, make sure that you and your spouse share these goals with each other. There shouldn’t be any guessing games in a marriage, or underlying feelings of “my husband (or wife) should know what makes me happy.”

    你需要知道你配偶自己的快乐是什么。把这些都写出来，从像写“很棒的美国小说”这样的人生目标到每天的、就像是一个没有负疚感的下午在电脑上出于消遣而写一个故事那样的乐事。尽可能具体地说，就是确保你和你的配偶彼此共享这些目标。在婚姻中不应该有猜谜游戏或者“我丈夫（或妻子）应该知道什么让我快乐”这种的潜在情绪。

    This strategy will make you more accountable to your own goals, and show your spouse how to support you.

    这种方法可以更有助于你实现目标，并且让你的配偶明白怎样来支持你。

    Show Your Respect.

    表达出你的尊重

    My husband and I have a win-win relationship at the core of our marriage, and this is because we respect each other. We show each other that respect by being careful with our words–both when we speak to each other, and when we speak about each other to third parties. We always assume that the other has good intentions, and we seek to understand each other’s viewpoints first, before rushing in with our own opinion.

    在婚姻的核心里，我和我的丈夫是一种双赢的关系，这是因为我们尊重彼此。我们彼此尊重的方式就是交谈以及向对第三方涉及配偶时讲话的谨慎。我们总假定对方的意图是善意的，而且我们在匆忙发表自己观点之前会试图理解对方的观点。

    So, listen when your spouse speaks, and let him (or her) revel in the joys of their day—even when your day has been less than perfect by comparison. Always balance your need to vent and complain to your spouse with an insightful or funny observation. Also, be excited about each other’s accomplishments (even if you don’t fully understand what these accomplishments mean to your spouse).

    所以，当你配偶讲话的时候要倾听，并让他（或她）沉浸在当天的快乐中——即使你的当天与其相比并没有那么完美。在有向你配偶释放情绪和抱怨的需要的时候，勿过度，而且要带有具有洞察性或有趣的观察力。也要对彼此的成就而感到兴奋（即使你不完全明白那些成就对你配偶意味着什么）。

    Creating a positive and encouraging environment on a daily basis allows for open dialogue and mutual support for your respective life goals.

    每天都创造一个积极的、激励的环境以容纳坦诚的对话以及对各自生活目标的相互支持。

    Share Your Values.

    分享你们的价值

    Your significant other needs to agree on the same values you have because these values will dictate how you’ll relate to one another throughout your marriage. Some people choose religious beliefs and ideologies as common values to share, and, though those values are important, they are the bare minimum. There are other values to consider as well, including whether your spouse loves to live simply or more lavishly, whether or not your spouse honors fidelity, and whether or not your spouse believes children should be raised strictly or with a more “hands-off” approach.

    而且在你们拥有的相同价值上面你们需要彼此赞同，因为那些价值将会指导在婚姻中你们处理彼此之间的关系。一些人选择宗教信仰和意识形态作为分享的共同价值，尽管这些价值很重要但它们只是很小的一部分。其它需要考虑的价值，包括你的配偶喜欢简单生活或奢华生活、你的配偶是否注重忠诚以及你的配偶认为孩子应该严格管教还是以一种更具“不干涉”态度的方法。

    You and your spouse will also need to decide how to prioritize your common values, and how these values will translate into your respective roles and responsibilities as a married couple. Ideally, these conversations would have taken place before getting married, but you can still discuss these things with your spouse now. It’s never too late to do so.

    作为婚姻中的夫妻，你和你的配偶将需要决定则样给你们的共同价值划分优先级，并且决定这些价值将会怎样转换入你们各自的角色和责任。理论上来说，这些谈话发生在结婚之前，但现在你依然可以同配偶谈论这些事情。这样做永远不会太迟。

    Oh, and remember that list I recommended that you both make at the beginning of this article? Use that as a tool to create an open dialogue between your and your spouse about both of your needs and expectations. Articulate why being a writer is important to you, and how your life goals can still support your common values. For example, if you both value living simply, share how economical it would be to work from home. You would use less gas, cause less wear and tear on your car, and spend less money on maintaining “professional attire” for work. Remember to listen to your spouse’s feedback, and assume that this feedback comes from a good place.

    而且，记得本文开头的时候我建议夫妻双方都做的一个列表吗？使用这个列表来创造一个夫妻间的坦诚对话，内容就是你们的需求和期望。清晰明白地讲出为什么成为一个作家对你很重要，而且你的生活目标怎样能继续支持你们的共同价值。举个例子，如果你们都看重简单的生活的话，那就把在家工作将会怎样合算这个问题进行分享。你将可能会消耗更少的汽油、汽车的损耗更小、而且你将在花费在工作上的“职业装扮”方面支出更少的钱。记得倾听你配偶的回馈，并且假定这种回馈是基于善意。

    Happy Together

    一起快乐

    My husband and I were initially drawn to each other because we each exhibited behaviors that we valued highly: intelligence, independence, and integrity. We stayed together because we agreed on the things that matter (like values, and our philosophy of life), and we respect each other enough to know not to obsess over the things that don’t matter as much (like chores).

    我和我的丈夫最初互相吸引的原因是我们彼此展示出双方都高度看重的特点：智慧，独立性和正直。我们在一起的原因是我们赞同那些我们都认为重要的东西（如价值和我们的生活哲学）以及我们因彼此有足够的尊重而知道不要用像家务杂事那样不重要的事情来彼此困扰。

    Whatever goal you decide to pursue, your marriage needs to be a source of strength for both you and your spouse. Your marriage needs to be an open, supportive environment where both you and your spouse can dream together—and then work together to make those dreams a reality.

      不管你决定追求什么目标，你的婚姻都必须成为夫妻双方力量的来源。你的婚姻必须成为一个开放的、支持性的环境。在这种环境中你和你的配偶可以一起梦想，然后一起努力来实现这些梦想。

    Liza Kane is a full-time reader, writer, dreamer, though she pays the bills as a store manager. One day, her passion for words will eventually pay the bills. She chronicles her journey on her blog, Redeeming the Time.

    莉莎·肯恩是一位全职读者、作者，梦想者，尽管她以商店经理的职业来支撑生活。但会有一天，她对文字的热情最终能支撑生活。在其博客《挽回时间》中，她描述了自己的经历。